20161030-0242H
i just woke up from a very vivid dream about you and us. kinda like a story about closure. and also a reality check from all those things that i'm trying to run away from. i felt good and bad and good..and then bad again. then good again. it's one of those dreams i have where it's gonna be hard to identify it as a dream. i know in time, my brain will treat it as memory. coz it's too real to be a dream to begin with.
i don't know how the dream started but the first thing i remember is that we were in my apartment. out last apartment. it looked bigger in the dream. and nicer. i served you some food and we were just talking about random stuff. which i don't remember happening in the real past. then all of a sudden my mom popped into existence and asked where do you work now. by then you're finished eating, but still on the table doodling on a sheet of paper, drawing house designs and stuff. and i told my mom you're into architecture now. and to answer my mom, you said "alphaland", which was apparently in cebu. and i was shocked. i thought i did not know that. and my mom continued with "since when?". and you paused, looked me straight in the eye, looked down and said, "july". somehow it made me feel like i've been cheated for years on not knowing where you work and who you're with. i was furious, but tried to hide it. but when everyone vanished and there were just the two of us, it was oldschool confrontation just like our thing. blah blah blah and blah blah blah. yada yada yada you bitch. yada yada yada you asshole. you know, our normal stuff. and as you were trying to run away from it, i grabbed you by the collar and pushed you down. i wanted to beat you up so bad but instead, i grabbed a scissor and started cutting your top. i thought i fucked it up really bad. i remember part of the confrontation with me saying something like "you were here in august and you were saying you wanted to work things out for us but now you're saying you're in cebu since july? with him?" and you were just crying, being very apologetic. and i let you go and you walked out. remember the balcony in our apartment? yea, the stairs was there. so you walked down and i was trying not to look at you while you walk the streets. eventually i did. somehow, you worked out the cuts i did on your top, pulled it from the sides and made it into a dress. i thought, oh god, she's good. she's got fashion. and you were looking up at me opening your bag, showing me some things that you kept. my old coin purse. a crumpled love letter i wrote you, and other things i can't remember. your bag had nothing else but those. and you came back up. we sat on the last flight of the staircase on the balcony and talked. calmly. well, i was the only one talking, as usual. but you wrote things down that you wanted to say and had me read them. you wrote down your new phone number, and a landline opposite "alfaland", which was supposedly your office phone, and other stuff. and at the bottom of the paper you wrote "TABA MO", all caps, huge font. i remember smiling. your part ended there. you were gone. next thing i remember is that i was walking on a street trying to get to work i guess. but i found myself in this hospital, with all these people i know from our old church. they were greeting me and very cheerful looking, but staring at my hair bun. i don't know why, but i was limping. at the very end of the hospital corridor was a pool. yes. with a bar. and my father was there. and i told him everything about us. everything. a 9-year story told in a couple of minutes. told him the guys you had and the girls i had. i mean all-out-no-holds-barred-full-swing honesty. and he's ok with it. he even jokingly said something that kinda means, you as a benchmark, did i find someone better looking particularly skin complexion. i think his verbatim was "may mas maputi pa?". well i don't know how he remembers you but, well, i said yes. but anyway, it went on for a couple of minutes and right before i left, we stood up and hugged and i was crying so hard. so fucking hard that the people at the bar were suspiciously staring at us. and i left. then i was back at the apartment trying to get changed for work and it was raining and i only have 10 minutes and was sure i was gonna be late. i don't remember what happened next.
i woke up, looked at the clock. past 2am. i felt light headed, blurry vision, vomity, normal on my condition waking up right after a lucid one. got up, had a glass of water and lit up a stick. i did not know how to react..or feel. 2 sticks. same feeling. my guts feel like they want out. i wanted to text you but i deleted your number. and god knows there is no way i remember anybody's phone number. 3 sticks. i had to write this down.
4 sticks. it made sense. all these things that i've been lying to myself, running away from. the dream made sense. my subconscious is so active it sent me a direct message. it was an inside job. we can never lie to ourselves. we have to face facts and accept reality. our waking mind sometimes rob us of the real deal. as adults, we have developed a coping mechanism. a wall that says DON'T GO THERE all over it. but our brain still has the maps tucked away somewhere. inaccessible for a period of time. waiting for the right neuron to fire. a resting membrane potential voltage, just sitting there. but when it's hit by a stimulus just right, all those memory banks that you tried so hard to freeze will flash so bright right at the back of your eye through your optic nerve that your vision is from the inside. those synaptic tags now being read by your supposedly resting brain. you are literally seeing yourself. your you. your real you. and this dream did just that. a legitimate reality check. so lucid, vivid, and real that it almost happened. this will go down as one of those dreams regarded as memory. i once loved you with every cubic inch of me. my synapses remember it well.
