year 1

a year's worth of memories squeezed to a quarter.
may we make more of 'em.
we will make more of 'em.

deep reality?

i don't know what it's like
to be with you tonight
cause we're never together
that far, wish you'd feel as i do
cause i'm falling into you
you bridge my yesterday and tomorrow

look at me now
the deeper way
try to find the feeling
i've been hiding for a thousand days
catch the real thought
of all my words
and try to realize
that you are becoming my world

you know the real me
the only one who can see
inside my heart
oh my friend, you've been the meaning of me
but nobody can see
i'd like to say, i'd like you to stay


2004.12.31_P09-04_deep reality

death through tongue of absence

asking what's the purpose of your life
through mine
your glory's still roaming above me
unsocial

your presence, you callously left
so dreary
i can't make a single step
with your memory

aah
sail back here

asking what's the purpose of your destiny
and mine
and why do i grieve for your existence
and why do you laugh at your absence?

are you real?
you carried me for once
then left me half a chance
to get up on my feet
and live with unpleasant dreams
you ruined me
you're a sky of lies
you're noone but a belief
of nothing! you're poison!

you're never coming back
forever


2004.12.31_P09-05_death through tongue of absence

S^TELLITE

she gave me a book. she's different.

timestamp

..and wait for nature do its work.

bababa? bababa.

wanna hear something stupid? here it goes..

so i took the lucena bus from alabang south station, right? i don't know, probably about what, 4:50 in the morning? and it took off, let's just say 5. and i was so tired i fell asleep immediately. and so..the bus conductor had to wake me up to give a ticket. i know i was sleeping with my mouth open coz it was so dry i could barely tell him where i was getting off. he heard me the third time. and i slept right after i got the ticket. so..he had to wake me up again to pay the ticket. same thing happened. mouth dry. after that, i finally could rest. and i did. but not after this. here it goes.

i was in a very deep sleep and i know i was dreaming. and from the back of my head i heard "lucena! lucena! lucena!". it was the conductor. i woke up immediately after the last call. peeked briefly out the curtain and saw residential area. street wet from the rain. sari-sari store right in front. oh shit. i'm here. i have to get off. right then and there, i stood up and quickly walked towards the front of the bus, still a little dizzy, dreams still echoing from my brain.

conductor: bababa?
me: bababa.

so. i. got. off.

right after the bus drove on, i knew something's not right. i knew i got off early. but i was kinda hoping not too early. and guess what? yea. i was too fucking early. we've only been driving for less than an hour. fuck.

look where i was.

fuck.

nailXneedle tattoo

20171227

robin gensel

w/ trigger

eden

it all breaks down at one point as the law of averages takes over. the ups and downs somehow lose its form and gets lopsided. sometimes favoring the ups, but more often the other way around. reality has its special way of reminding you how badly you turned out to be. decades of hunger for success and multiple short instances of almost feeling it. the distraction of hobbies and relationships and good times with now lost friends seem to be too shorthanded. at the core of it all, you ask yourself what the fuck happened. and you dig deeper questions of talents and skills and capabilities and the lack thereof. and the deeper you get, the more evident reality becomes. the ever surfacing self-worth assessment. the fast stacking adulthood responsibilities. the sheer determination of peer pressure. and all you can do is escape through vices -- the drugs, sex, and rock&roll, whatever floats your boat. and that word alone, escape, leads you to a whole different reality. succumbing yourself to synthetic environment. seeing only bits and pieces of what really is out there. and you slowly die inside until there's nothing left worth saving. i now understand why people, wherever they're coming from, hang themselves. and i'm always reminded of that one line from that one film.

“Because when I was young and I'd get an A on a history test.. or whatever.. I'd get this good feeling about all the things that I could be. And then I never became any of them."

christmas day cleansing

i unfriend people when i'm drunk..and/or feeling drunk.

keeping up with kip drordy

0

faber castell

she's like an eraser.

dream catcher 20171224

school fair

you seem dying

before this december ends
i (hope / wish) to see you again
just to breathe you in
with this lonely heart of mine

your lips carry the poison
the only one that can kill me
it looks so red-tasty
it looks so blood-thirsty

and to you, this song i sing
but the melody seems dying
i won't let it a happen
i won't leave you broken

how can i pretend
that you're not someone special
if you're so stellar
which my wishes could come true

now with this blessed air
i hope tears won't wash away
these drowning memories
that you never cared about

and now december ends
when will i see you again?
when could i breathe you in?
with this lonely heart of mine

this winter makes me shiver
it's so cold without you


2005.12.24_38_you seem dying