it all breaks down at one point as the law of averages takes over. the ups and downs somehow lose its form and gets lopsided. sometimes favoring the ups, but more often the other way around. reality has its special way of reminding you how badly you turned out to be. decades of hunger for success and multiple short instances of almost feeling it. the distraction of hobbies and relationships and good times with now lost friends seem to be too shorthanded. at the core of it all, you ask yourself what the fuck happened. and you dig deeper questions of talents and skills and capabilities and the lack thereof. and the deeper you get, the more evident reality becomes. the ever surfacing self-worth assessment. the fast stacking adulthood responsibilities. the sheer determination of peer pressure. and all you can do is escape through vices -- the drugs, sex, and rock&roll, whatever floats your boat. and that word alone, escape, leads you to a whole different reality. succumbing yourself to synthetic environment. seeing only bits and pieces of what really is out there. and you slowly die inside until there's nothing left worth saving. i now understand why people, wherever they're coming from, hang themselves. and i'm always reminded of that one line from that one film.
“Because when I was young and I'd get an A on a history test.. or whatever.. I'd get this good feeling about all the things that I could be. And then I never became any of them."
