you wake up in the morning, take a shower and get ready for work.more often you don't have breakfast.you go home in the afternoon, have dinner and sleep.you do this for five days.weekends you do your laundry and other house works.your social life is your illegally downloaded movies that put you to sleep.you have a mediocre job, earning a mediocre salary, living a mediocre life.you spend your money on food.with all these you have no savings nor investment.you don't own a house and/or a car.at the end of the day, you're just getting old.now if you're living the same life as i do, then you're a huge fuck up as well.
Monday, 31 October 2016
law of proximity
there's this catastrophic but beautiful occurrence that happens in the universe. astrophysicist call it THE BINARY SYSTEM. it is an event of which when two nearby stars orbit so close to each other that they get drawn on each others gravitational influence. they then share their outermost atmospheres. they mess up each others elliptical orbit until it doesn't look like elliptical at all. it would look like they are dancing the cosmic tango. they would still be pulling each other closer and closer until they collapse into a colossal explosion converting them into a single star system.
everything that has mass curves the spacetime fabric. the bigger the mass, the stronger the gravity. the closer two bodies are, the stronger they pull each other. it is a natural occurrence. and it doesn't only happen with stars, also to human. we are all made up of starstuff afterall. i call it the law of proximity.
everything that has mass curves the spacetime fabric. the bigger the mass, the stronger the gravity. the closer two bodies are, the stronger they pull each other. it is a natural occurrence. and it doesn't only happen with stars, also to human. we are all made up of starstuff afterall. i call it the law of proximity.
moon landing is a hoax
i was masking off almost everything she was saying. i looked away. she kept on talking. this and that.
i whispered to myself, "i don't have to deal with this bullshit."
somehow, she heard it. she snapped. i stood up and walked towards the door. she was yelling. i clutched onto the knob.
and then out of the blue, she said, "the moon landing is a hoax."
that caught my attention. she caught my attention. 6 words.
my initial reaction was to bust her head open. but i didn't. was i letting it slip? no.
she suddenly stopped talking. as if it was a sacred secret she's been keeping and unintentionally slipped out of her tongue.
"don't go that far." i said.
"just don't."
i almost couldn't turn the knob either way because my palms were sweating so bad. after a couple of tight grips, i finally did.
i walked out. i could hear her sobbing. i walked away.
i whispered to myself, "i don't have to deal with this bullshit."
somehow, she heard it. she snapped. i stood up and walked towards the door. she was yelling. i clutched onto the knob.
and then out of the blue, she said, "the moon landing is a hoax."
that caught my attention. she caught my attention. 6 words.
my initial reaction was to bust her head open. but i didn't. was i letting it slip? no.
she suddenly stopped talking. as if it was a sacred secret she's been keeping and unintentionally slipped out of her tongue.
"don't go that far." i said.
"just don't."
i almost couldn't turn the knob either way because my palms were sweating so bad. after a couple of tight grips, i finally did.
i walked out. i could hear her sobbing. i walked away.
third eye
do you believe in the concept of the "third eye"?
-third eye? you mean the eye that sees ghosts and shit?
yea.
-yes of course. in fact, i have a third eye. it's up my ass. it has not seen any ghost just yet, but it sure saw a lotta shit.
-third eye? you mean the eye that sees ghosts and shit?
yea.
-yes of course. in fact, i have a third eye. it's up my ass. it has not seen any ghost just yet, but it sure saw a lotta shit.
memory bank(rupt)
amazing how our brain works. how it maps out memories. how it tucks them away somewhere and with a single fire of a neuron, it flashes things at the back of our eyes. and it leaves you unconsciously staring at the void.
you hear a song and the ecstasy of a feeling a decade ago comes rushing back in. you drink a milkshake and next, you're in a loft with people practicing live music you used to like whose names you just can't remember. you see an old t-shirt and all of a sudden, you're sitting in front of a grand piano in a music room on the ground floor of a semi-mansion in a village and you don't even recall getting there. you see something as insignificant as a piece of pin and you're back in a dark, life-threatening part of your life you've been trying to forget for years.
neuroscientists have been trying to map out our brain activities for decades, maybe centuries, and it turns out, we know more about the universe than our brains. it is the single most intricate "machine" we may never understand. a product of millions of years of human evolution and the big bang itself.
everything is derived within it. everything we know, everything that involves our senses, and how we perceive and understand things. it's been said that a human studying anatomy, especially neurology, is just a group of atoms studying itself.
but sometimes, it fails. just like how we develop our personalities, diseases, and level of consciousness, memory too is affected by only two factors -- nature and nurture. on simpler words, genetically and lifestyle. at some point, it will fail. and it will fail you hard.
now you start forgetting names, birthdays and other important dates, algebra, and weirdly enough, why i am writing this piece of shit.
you hear a song and the ecstasy of a feeling a decade ago comes rushing back in. you drink a milkshake and next, you're in a loft with people practicing live music you used to like whose names you just can't remember. you see an old t-shirt and all of a sudden, you're sitting in front of a grand piano in a music room on the ground floor of a semi-mansion in a village and you don't even recall getting there. you see something as insignificant as a piece of pin and you're back in a dark, life-threatening part of your life you've been trying to forget for years.
neuroscientists have been trying to map out our brain activities for decades, maybe centuries, and it turns out, we know more about the universe than our brains. it is the single most intricate "machine" we may never understand. a product of millions of years of human evolution and the big bang itself.
everything is derived within it. everything we know, everything that involves our senses, and how we perceive and understand things. it's been said that a human studying anatomy, especially neurology, is just a group of atoms studying itself.
but sometimes, it fails. just like how we develop our personalities, diseases, and level of consciousness, memory too is affected by only two factors -- nature and nurture. on simpler words, genetically and lifestyle. at some point, it will fail. and it will fail you hard.
now you start forgetting names, birthdays and other important dates, algebra, and weirdly enough, why i am writing this piece of shit.
reacting over & under
Our conversations came from complete sentences to short phrases down to text shortcuts and now we're reduced to "picture reactions"? I mean how busy are our fast paced lives that we only want to push one fucking button to express how we feel?
Technology making our lives easier is one thing, but it making people incredibly lazy is fucking offensive to Babbage, Graham Bell, Turing, Berners-Lee, the people who founded ARPANET and all other geniuses who gave their lives wanting to get us all connected.
I weep for the future generation. They might grow up as visually impaired over-opinionated modern couch potatoes living sedentary lives who can't talk to real people.
Evolution has not stopped, it never will. We are still passing down our gene pool to our young ones and we are literally molding them. Be careful. Be very careful. We might not like it.
Technology making our lives easier is one thing, but it making people incredibly lazy is fucking offensive to Babbage, Graham Bell, Turing, Berners-Lee, the people who founded ARPANET and all other geniuses who gave their lives wanting to get us all connected.
I weep for the future generation. They might grow up as visually impaired over-opinionated modern couch potatoes living sedentary lives who can't talk to real people.
Evolution has not stopped, it never will. We are still passing down our gene pool to our young ones and we are literally molding them. Be careful. Be very careful. We might not like it.
What does Wiki say about you?
Tom is not a person who believes in bullshit internet fads. He believes that these kind of things are exactly like astrology, which arrange random nice sentences to make a person feel better about him/herself, and make use of subconscious thought manipulation to try and make the person believe what it says is personally and exclusively about them. People who actually study these things regard it as "remembering the hits, forgetting the misses", in which the consciousness is bent towards the parts closest to their personality while disregarding those that are not.
Personal Motto:
"If you need random patterns of strings generated by a machine to validate yourself, then (bleeeeeeeeeeeeep)."
Personal Motto:
"If you need random patterns of strings generated by a machine to validate yourself, then (bleeeeeeeeeeeeep)."
Sunday, 30 October 2016
d'you lie?
20161030-0242H
i just woke up from a very vivid dream about you and us. kinda like a story about closure. and also a reality check from all those things that i'm trying to run away from. i felt good and bad and good..and then bad again. then good again. it's one of those dreams i have where it's gonna be hard to identify it as a dream. i know in time, my brain will treat it as memory. coz it's too real to be a dream to begin with.
i don't know how the dream started but the first thing i remember is that we were in my apartment. out last apartment. it looked bigger in the dream. and nicer. i served you some food and we were just talking about random stuff. which i don't remember happening in the real past. then all of a sudden my mom popped into existence and asked where do you work now. by then you're finished eating, but still on the table doodling on a sheet of paper, drawing house designs and stuff. and i told my mom you're into architecture now. and to answer my mom, you said "alphaland", which was apparently in cebu. and i was shocked. i thought i did not know that. and my mom continued with "since when?". and you paused, looked me straight in the eye, looked down and said, "july". somehow it made me feel like i've been cheated for years on not knowing where you work and who you're with. i was furious, but tried to hide it. but when everyone vanished and there were just the two of us, it was oldschool confrontation just like our thing. blah blah blah and blah blah blah. yada yada yada you bitch. yada yada yada you asshole. you know, our normal stuff. and as you were trying to run away from it, i grabbed you by the collar and pushed you down. i wanted to beat you up so bad but instead, i grabbed a scissor and started cutting your top. i thought i fucked it up really bad. i remember part of the confrontation with me saying something like "you were here in august and you were saying you wanted to work things out for us but now you're saying you're in cebu since july? with him?" and you were just crying, being very apologetic. and i let you go and you walked out. remember the balcony in our apartment? yea, the stairs was there. so you walked down and i was trying not to look at you while you walk the streets. eventually i did. somehow, you worked out the cuts i did on your top, pulled it from the sides and made it into a dress. i thought, oh god, she's good. she's got fashion. and you were looking up at me opening your bag, showing me some things that you kept. my old coin purse. a crumpled love letter i wrote you, and other things i can't remember. your bag had nothing else but those. and you came back up. we sat on the last flight of the staircase on the balcony and talked. calmly. well, i was the only one talking, as usual. but you wrote things down that you wanted to say and had me read them. you wrote down your new phone number, and a landline opposite "alfaland", which was supposedly your office phone, and other stuff. and at the bottom of the paper you wrote "TABA MO", all caps, huge font. i remember smiling. your part ended there. you were gone. next thing i remember is that i was walking on a street trying to get to work i guess. but i found myself in this hospital, with all these people i know from our old church. they were greeting me and very cheerful looking, but staring at my hair bun. i don't know why, but i was limping. at the very end of the hospital corridor was a pool. yes. with a bar. and my father was there. and i told him everything about us. everything. a 9-year story told in a couple of minutes. told him the guys you had and the girls i had. i mean all-out-no-holds-barred-full-swing honesty. and he's ok with it. he even jokingly said something that kinda means, you as a benchmark, did i find someone better looking particularly skin complexion. i think his verbatim was "may mas maputi pa?". well i don't know how he remembers you but, well, i said yes. but anyway, it went on for a couple of minutes and right before i left, we stood up and hugged and i was crying so hard. so fucking hard that the people at the bar were suspiciously staring at us. and i left. then i was back at the apartment trying to get changed for work and it was raining and i only have 10 minutes and was sure i was gonna be late. i don't remember what happened next.
i woke up, looked at the clock. past 2am. i felt light headed, blurry vision, vomity, normal on my condition waking up right after a lucid one. got up, had a glass of water and lit up a stick. i did not know how to react..or feel. 2 sticks. same feeling. my guts feel like they want out. i wanted to text you but i deleted your number. and god knows there is no way i remember anybody's phone number. 3 sticks. i had to write this down.
4 sticks. it made sense. all these things that i've been lying to myself, running away from. the dream made sense. my subconscious is so active it sent me a direct message. it was an inside job. we can never lie to ourselves. we have to face facts and accept reality. our waking mind sometimes rob us of the real deal. as adults, we have developed a coping mechanism. a wall that says DON'T GO THERE all over it. but our brain still has the maps tucked away somewhere. inaccessible for a period of time. waiting for the right neuron to fire. a resting membrane potential voltage, just sitting there. but when it's hit by a stimulus just right, all those memory banks that you tried so hard to freeze will flash so bright right at the back of your eye through your optic nerve that your vision is from the inside. those synaptic tags now being read by your supposedly resting brain. you are literally seeing yourself. your you. your real you. and this dream did just that. a legitimate reality check. so lucid, vivid, and real that it almost happened. this will go down as one of those dreams regarded as memory. i once loved you with every cubic inch of me. my synapses remember it well.
i just woke up from a very vivid dream about you and us. kinda like a story about closure. and also a reality check from all those things that i'm trying to run away from. i felt good and bad and good..and then bad again. then good again. it's one of those dreams i have where it's gonna be hard to identify it as a dream. i know in time, my brain will treat it as memory. coz it's too real to be a dream to begin with.
i don't know how the dream started but the first thing i remember is that we were in my apartment. out last apartment. it looked bigger in the dream. and nicer. i served you some food and we were just talking about random stuff. which i don't remember happening in the real past. then all of a sudden my mom popped into existence and asked where do you work now. by then you're finished eating, but still on the table doodling on a sheet of paper, drawing house designs and stuff. and i told my mom you're into architecture now. and to answer my mom, you said "alphaland", which was apparently in cebu. and i was shocked. i thought i did not know that. and my mom continued with "since when?". and you paused, looked me straight in the eye, looked down and said, "july". somehow it made me feel like i've been cheated for years on not knowing where you work and who you're with. i was furious, but tried to hide it. but when everyone vanished and there were just the two of us, it was oldschool confrontation just like our thing. blah blah blah and blah blah blah. yada yada yada you bitch. yada yada yada you asshole. you know, our normal stuff. and as you were trying to run away from it, i grabbed you by the collar and pushed you down. i wanted to beat you up so bad but instead, i grabbed a scissor and started cutting your top. i thought i fucked it up really bad. i remember part of the confrontation with me saying something like "you were here in august and you were saying you wanted to work things out for us but now you're saying you're in cebu since july? with him?" and you were just crying, being very apologetic. and i let you go and you walked out. remember the balcony in our apartment? yea, the stairs was there. so you walked down and i was trying not to look at you while you walk the streets. eventually i did. somehow, you worked out the cuts i did on your top, pulled it from the sides and made it into a dress. i thought, oh god, she's good. she's got fashion. and you were looking up at me opening your bag, showing me some things that you kept. my old coin purse. a crumpled love letter i wrote you, and other things i can't remember. your bag had nothing else but those. and you came back up. we sat on the last flight of the staircase on the balcony and talked. calmly. well, i was the only one talking, as usual. but you wrote things down that you wanted to say and had me read them. you wrote down your new phone number, and a landline opposite "alfaland", which was supposedly your office phone, and other stuff. and at the bottom of the paper you wrote "TABA MO", all caps, huge font. i remember smiling. your part ended there. you were gone. next thing i remember is that i was walking on a street trying to get to work i guess. but i found myself in this hospital, with all these people i know from our old church. they were greeting me and very cheerful looking, but staring at my hair bun. i don't know why, but i was limping. at the very end of the hospital corridor was a pool. yes. with a bar. and my father was there. and i told him everything about us. everything. a 9-year story told in a couple of minutes. told him the guys you had and the girls i had. i mean all-out-no-holds-barred-full-swing honesty. and he's ok with it. he even jokingly said something that kinda means, you as a benchmark, did i find someone better looking particularly skin complexion. i think his verbatim was "may mas maputi pa?". well i don't know how he remembers you but, well, i said yes. but anyway, it went on for a couple of minutes and right before i left, we stood up and hugged and i was crying so hard. so fucking hard that the people at the bar were suspiciously staring at us. and i left. then i was back at the apartment trying to get changed for work and it was raining and i only have 10 minutes and was sure i was gonna be late. i don't remember what happened next.
i woke up, looked at the clock. past 2am. i felt light headed, blurry vision, vomity, normal on my condition waking up right after a lucid one. got up, had a glass of water and lit up a stick. i did not know how to react..or feel. 2 sticks. same feeling. my guts feel like they want out. i wanted to text you but i deleted your number. and god knows there is no way i remember anybody's phone number. 3 sticks. i had to write this down.
4 sticks. it made sense. all these things that i've been lying to myself, running away from. the dream made sense. my subconscious is so active it sent me a direct message. it was an inside job. we can never lie to ourselves. we have to face facts and accept reality. our waking mind sometimes rob us of the real deal. as adults, we have developed a coping mechanism. a wall that says DON'T GO THERE all over it. but our brain still has the maps tucked away somewhere. inaccessible for a period of time. waiting for the right neuron to fire. a resting membrane potential voltage, just sitting there. but when it's hit by a stimulus just right, all those memory banks that you tried so hard to freeze will flash so bright right at the back of your eye through your optic nerve that your vision is from the inside. those synaptic tags now being read by your supposedly resting brain. you are literally seeing yourself. your you. your real you. and this dream did just that. a legitimate reality check. so lucid, vivid, and real that it almost happened. this will go down as one of those dreams regarded as memory. i once loved you with every cubic inch of me. my synapses remember it well.
Saturday, 29 October 2016
more to lose
a thousand tortured lives have fallen
wounded dying cut down by the
questions that we've sharpened
just to save our losing days
seona dancing
wounded dying cut down by the
questions that we've sharpened
just to save our losing days
seona dancing
tears are not enough
the fact of us apart
chokin' me to death so slow
tears are not enough
for me to let you know
that we're so distant
that i cannot reach survival
shedding tears is not enough
to surprise me with your arrival
now the end is drawing near
i can already feel
that you're in my arms
but is the end of these
the end of us?
been spending my nights
lyin' under the stars' hands
tears are not enough
to purchase one of them
and give it to you
to grab away (your past memories / all jealousies)
coz my mind has been bottled up
with rotten insecurities
we once both cried
afraid of falling apart
but tears are not enough
to break destiny's heart
what we are in now
seems not the love we once knew
coz now our arguments take place
in such different point of view
now i want these to end
but i don't want us to end
i don't want us to end
no i don't
2005.05.07_13_tears are not enough
chokin' me to death so slow
tears are not enough
for me to let you know
that we're so distant
that i cannot reach survival
shedding tears is not enough
to surprise me with your arrival
now the end is drawing near
i can already feel
that you're in my arms
but is the end of these
the end of us?
been spending my nights
lyin' under the stars' hands
tears are not enough
to purchase one of them
and give it to you
to grab away (your past memories / all jealousies)
coz my mind has been bottled up
with rotten insecurities
we once both cried
afraid of falling apart
but tears are not enough
to break destiny's heart
what we are in now
seems not the love we once knew
coz now our arguments take place
in such different point of view
now i want these to end
but i don't want us to end
i don't want us to end
no i don't
2005.05.07_13_tears are not enough
Saturday, 22 October 2016
her name was faye
untitled
dead of night, no stars are bright
the light weight of your hand defies compromising might!
oh, i don't belong
you, you're not the one
another, persona non grata
fell under the same spell of non other!
than the last sunrise
which set beyond my eyes
how do i let go of unamusing feeling? piercing!
how do i immune myself from delusion? overdose!
what are those thunderclaps made of?
coz i seem to under appreciate
devastated in a moment less than a blink
trust worn out during the storm
but why mourn over something that's long dead
or so i thought
fought and lost, caught rotting!
you are no one more than
a substitute reality
eating over the sanity
that i've been struggling
to clutch onto!
and though the resemblance is annoyingly unbelievable
the truth is still the king!
you are not the real thing!
2007.11.20_7
===============================
fade
should i let you know that you resemble a past
should i let you know that i am dying at last
you got me all mixed up
now your smile is all i've got
to get me to ask you
if you can save me
so i can try to save you
wear your own glasses
and look at the pieces of what you still have
isn't it great that everytime you breathe
you're saving someone's ass
just by staring, your smile is worth my life
just by staring back, tells me those cards are always right
what if my everything's intended to end up with you
would you rather slit your wrist again or accept the truth?
should i let you know that now i'm more like dead
should i let you know that if i wasn't interrupted
that strangest night
i'd be pushin' my way through
to get me to ask you
if you can stay with me
so i can try to save you
wear your glasses
and look at the pieces of what you save, you don't even know you are saving
you don't even know who you're saving
you don't even know i need to be saved, fade..
fade..fade..fade..
please..
2007.12.14_9_fade
===============================
she looked like her..i guess.
Friday, 21 October 2016
black alexandria
greet her with lips not with tongue
flame your hands and touch her stars
lose it all, unite your souls
and wake up with a scar
the plague of black alexandria
(taste / meet) the plague of black alexandria
beware, beware of them eyes
hold your jaw before they drop
you might be, do not be mesmerized
when your phantasms sit on your lap
soul told to be cold
now you hold
cupid's bow
transfixed on your chest
black alexandria!
you own me! yet i don't own you!
she made my death look sweet
she made believe it was my dream
her beauty denied my rights
her wisdom heightened them nights
her illness wrecked my lights
her name nests underneath my breath
and so breathed by others..
2007.04.17_86_black alexandria
===============================
i can't say i had no warning. this was one of the firsts.
flame your hands and touch her stars
lose it all, unite your souls
and wake up with a scar
the plague of black alexandria
(taste / meet) the plague of black alexandria
beware, beware of them eyes
hold your jaw before they drop
you might be, do not be mesmerized
when your phantasms sit on your lap
soul told to be cold
now you hold
cupid's bow
transfixed on your chest
black alexandria!
you own me! yet i don't own you!
she made my death look sweet
she made believe it was my dream
her beauty denied my rights
her wisdom heightened them nights
her illness wrecked my lights
her name nests underneath my breath
and so breathed by others..
2007.04.17_86_black alexandria
===============================
i can't say i had no warning. this was one of the firsts.
2007.02.02_80 untitled
as something ended
something started
the flight of yesterday
you made it so much easier to handle
by letting me feel that something
that something is still alive
i thought then
we were building
a concrete wall-like
mutual agreement, or somewhat
a unity of our forces
our forces together!
i asserted our conversations
maintained their meaning
made sure it'd be useful
but then it made no meaning, no use at all!
i've built a foundation
and thought it could withstand
the storms that would knock us apart
but you became the thunder
outbroke from furious silence
and brought me cipher!
you made me wear a mask of shame
it gained me nothing but nothing
i see myself now thumb-small
being eaten by your simple words
what more of the scorns
that are surfacing on my visions?
it made me realize that the inevitable is inevitable!
that we were never building anything at all!
that no agreement existed!
that no forces were united!
that no foundation was made!
that you never let me feel something that's alive!
it was only mine! it was only mine!
and it's been dead all along!
it's been dead all along!!!
2007.02.02_80
something started
the flight of yesterday
you made it so much easier to handle
by letting me feel that something
that something is still alive
i thought then
we were building
a concrete wall-like
mutual agreement, or somewhat
a unity of our forces
our forces together!
i asserted our conversations
maintained their meaning
made sure it'd be useful
but then it made no meaning, no use at all!
i've built a foundation
and thought it could withstand
the storms that would knock us apart
but you became the thunder
outbroke from furious silence
and brought me cipher!
you made me wear a mask of shame
it gained me nothing but nothing
i see myself now thumb-small
being eaten by your simple words
what more of the scorns
that are surfacing on my visions?
it made me realize that the inevitable is inevitable!
that we were never building anything at all!
that no agreement existed!
that no forces were united!
that no foundation was made!
that you never let me feel something that's alive!
it was only mine! it was only mine!
and it's been dead all along!
it's been dead all along!!!
2007.02.02_80
Wednesday, 19 October 2016
when are you gonna live?
"it is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. life is long enough.."
SENECA
On the Shortness of Life
human life expectancy is at 70, give or take. on the first half decade, you are not living, simply because you don't know how to. you are just learning. then if you are privileged enough, you start your life long real learning through school. still, you are not living by then, you are just following. following what your teachers and professors tell you, because you trust they're right. following what your parents teach you, because, well, they're your parents.
then you graduate. grade school, to high school, to college, and to graduate school, you know, if your parents are filthy rich, or you're either really smart or really really stupid.
then you get a job. then you think you're gonna start to live after all that. wrong. you have a boss barking at your back. your boss is not your only boss. their boss is technically your boss as well. and all of them are gonna be watching you, because in all fairness, they're paying you, you know, to build their dreams. but you, you are not living. you are just trying to live by their standards. not to mention, your parents still tell you what to do. and you still do it because, well, they're your parents.
this "protocol" goes on for decades, and this will be your standard for "living". you will know this as "living". this is the culture of "living". but it's not living.
and if you're stupid enough, you're gonna marry young, probably 4 or 5 years into your chosen profession. earlier if you're extra stupid. you know, because you're "in love". then you start re-ordering your life, adding someone else's standard into your way of "living" your husband's or wife's. you know, because you're "in love". then you start being a part of the tradition known as procreating, you know, even though you think it's not the right time or you just think there's just too many people already! but you still do it because first, your parents want grandkids, second, peer pressure, third, the church said so. now you have kids. and damn, it's the end of you.
and the whole process resets. only now, you are the parent. now you're gonna be telling them what to do, because hey, your parents did. then if you're lucky enough, or good enough, or you're the best ass-kisser ever, you're gonna be a boss. now you get to bark at someone, because hey, you got barked at, too.
you think you are living? no. you tell your kids what to do because someone else is telling you what to tell your kids -- the church, the media, other parents, your parents. you're barking at someone in the office because if you don't, you're gonna be barked at, again. living? no. but congratulations! because you are now part of the whole shenanigan called "society".
this happens to all of us in one way or another. and this is how you are sent to your death bed. and if, if you're lucky enough, you get to retire while you still can walk, or go to the bathroom by yourself, or can still eat just whatever you want without worrying about your health. then you decide to go on vacation. and that is if you have enough savings, which probably you don't, or if your children is supporting you because they haven't married yet, which probably they already have because hey, you did.
now you're in your vacation, having the time of your life. you go to places you've never been and you'd see their majestic beauty. you'd go to beaches, probably maldives, you know, if your unmarried child becomes the CEO of a drug syndicate or something. you're probably wearing sandals while walking on the white shores because hey, arthritis. you're probably drinking some non-alcoholic beverage under a huge beach umbrella because your doctor said your next sip of alcohol will be your last. you're probably checked-in in a very elegant hotel room where smoking is allowed but you can't because hey, doctor, remember? and you're having dinner in this extravagant ballroom gala that serves pot roast and ham and baby back ribs but all you hear is your doctor's voice saying fruits and vegetables and juice only. whatever happened to the go, grow, and glow foods you learned in the first week of pre school, you wonder. but you're enjoying every bit of it. and you start telling yourself, "this is living".
you go back to your hotel room, you doze off, and get awakened by your own heavy breathing. and for a fraction of a second, everything flashes before your eyes, and your last words are "they fucked me". you think everybody fucked you your whole life. no they didn't. you did that to yourself. you fucked yourself. so you truly lived just for one weekend, but on a brighter note, in maldives.
all in all, this statement, like "living", is pointless.
SENECA
On the Shortness of Life
human life expectancy is at 70, give or take. on the first half decade, you are not living, simply because you don't know how to. you are just learning. then if you are privileged enough, you start your life long real learning through school. still, you are not living by then, you are just following. following what your teachers and professors tell you, because you trust they're right. following what your parents teach you, because, well, they're your parents.
then you graduate. grade school, to high school, to college, and to graduate school, you know, if your parents are filthy rich, or you're either really smart or really really stupid.
then you get a job. then you think you're gonna start to live after all that. wrong. you have a boss barking at your back. your boss is not your only boss. their boss is technically your boss as well. and all of them are gonna be watching you, because in all fairness, they're paying you, you know, to build their dreams. but you, you are not living. you are just trying to live by their standards. not to mention, your parents still tell you what to do. and you still do it because, well, they're your parents.
this "protocol" goes on for decades, and this will be your standard for "living". you will know this as "living". this is the culture of "living". but it's not living.
and if you're stupid enough, you're gonna marry young, probably 4 or 5 years into your chosen profession. earlier if you're extra stupid. you know, because you're "in love". then you start re-ordering your life, adding someone else's standard into your way of "living" your husband's or wife's. you know, because you're "in love". then you start being a part of the tradition known as procreating, you know, even though you think it's not the right time or you just think there's just too many people already! but you still do it because first, your parents want grandkids, second, peer pressure, third, the church said so. now you have kids. and damn, it's the end of you.
and the whole process resets. only now, you are the parent. now you're gonna be telling them what to do, because hey, your parents did. then if you're lucky enough, or good enough, or you're the best ass-kisser ever, you're gonna be a boss. now you get to bark at someone, because hey, you got barked at, too.
you think you are living? no. you tell your kids what to do because someone else is telling you what to tell your kids -- the church, the media, other parents, your parents. you're barking at someone in the office because if you don't, you're gonna be barked at, again. living? no. but congratulations! because you are now part of the whole shenanigan called "society".
this happens to all of us in one way or another. and this is how you are sent to your death bed. and if, if you're lucky enough, you get to retire while you still can walk, or go to the bathroom by yourself, or can still eat just whatever you want without worrying about your health. then you decide to go on vacation. and that is if you have enough savings, which probably you don't, or if your children is supporting you because they haven't married yet, which probably they already have because hey, you did.
now you're in your vacation, having the time of your life. you go to places you've never been and you'd see their majestic beauty. you'd go to beaches, probably maldives, you know, if your unmarried child becomes the CEO of a drug syndicate or something. you're probably wearing sandals while walking on the white shores because hey, arthritis. you're probably drinking some non-alcoholic beverage under a huge beach umbrella because your doctor said your next sip of alcohol will be your last. you're probably checked-in in a very elegant hotel room where smoking is allowed but you can't because hey, doctor, remember? and you're having dinner in this extravagant ballroom gala that serves pot roast and ham and baby back ribs but all you hear is your doctor's voice saying fruits and vegetables and juice only. whatever happened to the go, grow, and glow foods you learned in the first week of pre school, you wonder. but you're enjoying every bit of it. and you start telling yourself, "this is living".
you go back to your hotel room, you doze off, and get awakened by your own heavy breathing. and for a fraction of a second, everything flashes before your eyes, and your last words are "they fucked me". you think everybody fucked you your whole life. no they didn't. you did that to yourself. you fucked yourself. so you truly lived just for one weekend, but on a brighter note, in maldives.
all in all, this statement, like "living", is pointless.
loop
-what are you thinking?
--i'm thinking about you asking me what i am thinking.
-how does that go?
--it's stuck on loop right now. my brain hurts.
--i'm thinking about you asking me what i am thinking.
-how does that go?
--it's stuck on loop right now. my brain hurts.
Tuesday, 18 October 2016
a message to a sobbing stranger
life is fucking tough as hell. the weak has no idea. we are here because we are the strong ones who soldier through reality. we resist life to push us to what it wants for us. we cannot ever fucking lie to ourselves because lying to yourself is the only way to lose. we get up everyday and carry these baggage that others does not even know exist. we are not smart. but we know enough that life is not always rainbows and unicorns. more often it's about darkness that cramps your chest which makes you wonder if not breathing is a choice. but we choose to breathe anyways. the only compliment that life provides is for someone to, if not help us, at least understand the exact same thing we fucking feel. and by that we keep marching on. we all fall down. but let's choose not to while we can.
20160824-0900H
20160824-0900H
mitsubishi elevator
--great tattoo!
-thanks.
--what is that?
-oh! it's nebula. it's called the pillars of creation.
--oh, you're into that stuff.
-yea. i'm a sucker for these.
--like science and fiction?
-just science. no fiction.
--oh.
-i could've been an astronaut. i don't know, maybe something happened when i was a kid.
--what, someone dropped you on your head?
-that would explain a lot.
--hahaha!
-oh, this is us.
--ok. see you, man!
-thanks. see ya.
-thanks.
--what is that?
-oh! it's nebula. it's called the pillars of creation.
--oh, you're into that stuff.
-yea. i'm a sucker for these.
--like science and fiction?
-just science. no fiction.
--oh.
-i could've been an astronaut. i don't know, maybe something happened when i was a kid.
--what, someone dropped you on your head?
-that would explain a lot.
--hahaha!
-oh, this is us.
--ok. see you, man!
-thanks. see ya.
Sunday, 16 October 2016
labo-racay
boracay was a reflection, lesson, and wake up call all shoved in my face in less than 72 hours.
Saturday, 15 October 2016
memory bank(rupt)
amazing how our brain works. how it maps out memories. how it tucks them away somewhere and with a single fire of a neuron, it flashes things at the back of our eyes. and it leaves you unconsciously staring at the void.
you hear a song and the ecstasy of a feeling a decade ago comes rushing back in. you drink a milkshake and next, you're in a loft with people practicing live music you used to like whose names you just can't remember. you see an old t-shirt and all of a sudden, you're sitting in front of a grand piano in a music room in the ground floor of a semi-mansion in a village and you don't even recall getting there. you see something as insignificant as a piece of pin and you're back in a dark, life-threatening part of your life you've been trying to forget for years.
neuroscientists have been trying to map out our brain activities for decades, maybe centuries, and it turns out, we know more about the universe than our brains. it is the single most intricate "machine" we may never understand. a product of millions of years of human evolution and the big bang itself.
everything is derived within it. everything we know, everything that involves our senses, and how we perceive and understand things. it's been said that a human studying anatomy, especially neurology, is just a group of atoms studying itself.
but sometimes, it fails. just like how we develop our personalities, diseases, and level of consciousness, memory too is affected by only two factors -- nature and nurture. on simpler words, genetically and lifestyle. at some point, it will fail. and it will fail you hard.
now you start forgetting names, birthdays and other important dates, algebra, and weirdly enough, why i am writing this piece of shit.
you hear a song and the ecstasy of a feeling a decade ago comes rushing back in. you drink a milkshake and next, you're in a loft with people practicing live music you used to like whose names you just can't remember. you see an old t-shirt and all of a sudden, you're sitting in front of a grand piano in a music room in the ground floor of a semi-mansion in a village and you don't even recall getting there. you see something as insignificant as a piece of pin and you're back in a dark, life-threatening part of your life you've been trying to forget for years.
neuroscientists have been trying to map out our brain activities for decades, maybe centuries, and it turns out, we know more about the universe than our brains. it is the single most intricate "machine" we may never understand. a product of millions of years of human evolution and the big bang itself.
everything is derived within it. everything we know, everything that involves our senses, and how we perceive and understand things. it's been said that a human studying anatomy, especially neurology, is just a group of atoms studying itself.
but sometimes, it fails. just like how we develop our personalities, diseases, and level of consciousness, memory too is affected by only two factors -- nature and nurture. on simpler words, genetically and lifestyle. at some point, it will fail. and it will fail you hard.
now you start forgetting names, birthdays and other important dates, algebra, and weirdly enough, why i am writing this piece of shit.
Wednesday, 12 October 2016
douchebag 101
how to be a douchebag? easy. just address your things with their brand. that's it.
instead of saying "my watch", say "my g-shock".
instead of "my phone", say "my iphone7".
my nike
my ford
my ray-ban
my levi's
my abercrombie
my chanel
my lacoste
my havaianas
my fibrella
my starbucks
my rugby
instead of saying "my watch", say "my g-shock".
instead of "my phone", say "my iphone7".
my nike
my ford
my ray-ban
my levi's
my abercrombie
my chanel
my lacoste
my havaianas
my fibrella
my starbucks
my rugby
her name was nicole
the year was 2006. i was working in this restaurant in a mall. i was a buss boy. it was an american restaurant, which is nice coz i get to meet american people and other foreign people, but mostly americans. no. mostly locals. filipinos. americans..well, they're polite people. they greet you. they talk to strangers. a simple hi and hello is a big deal to me. coz filipinos are a bunch of suspicious people getting weirded out when you greet and smile at them. they [we] instantly think you're gonna mug us.
some days, a famous person would walk in, like, an actor too young to be washed up. or someone from a band i know. or that one time, a really famous actress who's doing a promotion for that shoe brand.
and that one time, this girl with one of the prettiest face walked in. she looked young. she was young. probably junior high school young. i was 19. she probably was 4, 5 years younger. she was with her family. and they sat on this long table which was sadly not my area. we assign people table numbers and their table was not mine. so i couldn't have any chance of any conversation. and she was with her family anyway. and she was a kid, too, basically.
it was almost the end of the first half of my shift. they were having a great time. and i was just hoping i'd see her during my 4-hour break. yup, our work schedule is fucked up. we work for 4 hours, take a break for 4 hours and work for another 4 hours. so that's literally half of your day spent there, which is not that great if you're a working student.
anyway, i had to work double time to clean my tables just so when they are done, i get to hijack cleaning their table, since it wasn't my area. and i did. i did. i saw them started to leave and i immediately approached their table and said the usual spiel, "thank you for dining, see you again soon". but that time, i meant it. i really wanted to see them again. her, specially. and she gave me that normal "thank-you-too-who-the-hell-are-you-stranger-look" as she walked out.
her name was nicole. paula nicole. not that she told me. but our restaurant had this thing where the table had a large paper as a table cloth. and there were crayons so they could draw while they wait for their food. and really, they had to wait. sometimes even you'd see some rants on how long they had to wait for the food, or how bad it was, written in neon crayons. but that time, it was her name. i'm not sure if she wrote that down or the younger kid, coz the handwriting was a little bit worse than mine. which is bad enough. but i was sure it was her (coz i could've sworn i looked her up on friendster or somewhere else). and yea, i was just sure.
so when i stepped out for my break, i swear i walked around the mall for almost 4 hours just to anticipate that chance to bump into her or maybe just see her from afar. and i didn't. i fucking didn't.
so yea, i can remember writing this just before i started the 2nd half of my shift. pnp was her initials, and i'm not telling the other p.
===============================
pnp
and when i step out of this hell
i am so looking forward to
seeing you..once again..
the bright sparkle in your eyes
i once saw
so nostalgic, so magical
are you the one?
are you her?
are you?
hear me!
be her! and be here!
right now..is the right time!
come back..like your eyes said so
and when i saw you walkin' away
i swear i wanted to
follow you..and reach your hands
the sudden rush in my head
brought you back
in my space..it was your face
what's with the face you showed?
what's with the looks you threw?
what's with the words that your smiles told?
and what's about your name..(you wrote)?
and now i stepped out of this hell
i'm so so looking forward to
seeing you..once again..
but where are you?
2006.03.05_51_pnp
===============================
almost a year had past and i had long quit that place. i was re-reading things that i wrote, which i usually do, and i came across pnp. and i just wondered. about. her. i guess. so i wrote this. and it has no title.
===============================
___
what had happened back then was so confronting
i was so seeing forward to seeing you once again
now that i have long forgotten that hell where i stepped out
you're still missing..you never came back..
now tonight is the night
to reinvent the fallen destiny
this time is really the right time
for you to hear me
hear me! hear me!
from this deep festering wound
your eyes said you'd come back
now defy the myth of your promise
let me lay with you in bliss!
by that very moment you walked in
i felt the fire around me, struck frozen
everyone escaped my tunnel vision, objecting you
foretelling to..bring myself anew..
i sat there waiting
faces mobbed to millions
but never a trace
of your diligent face
seconds turned to hours
to years, into cries
still, still
no sign of your eyes
there i grew tired
til i finally stepped out of that place
still looking forward to
seeing you once again
but where are you?
and now that my little hope is beating
i won't let you slip away again
a single question is left hanging
would you mind to be my guest once again?
2007.02.07_81
===============================
today is October 12, 2016. a couple of weeks ago, i saw her on facebook. and instagram i guess. which is nice. she lives in palawan now. and i remember that face exactly like 10 years ago. 2006. that was a great year.
some days, a famous person would walk in, like, an actor too young to be washed up. or someone from a band i know. or that one time, a really famous actress who's doing a promotion for that shoe brand.
and that one time, this girl with one of the prettiest face walked in. she looked young. she was young. probably junior high school young. i was 19. she probably was 4, 5 years younger. she was with her family. and they sat on this long table which was sadly not my area. we assign people table numbers and their table was not mine. so i couldn't have any chance of any conversation. and she was with her family anyway. and she was a kid, too, basically.
it was almost the end of the first half of my shift. they were having a great time. and i was just hoping i'd see her during my 4-hour break. yup, our work schedule is fucked up. we work for 4 hours, take a break for 4 hours and work for another 4 hours. so that's literally half of your day spent there, which is not that great if you're a working student.
anyway, i had to work double time to clean my tables just so when they are done, i get to hijack cleaning their table, since it wasn't my area. and i did. i did. i saw them started to leave and i immediately approached their table and said the usual spiel, "thank you for dining, see you again soon". but that time, i meant it. i really wanted to see them again. her, specially. and she gave me that normal "thank-you-too-who-the-hell-are-you-stranger-look" as she walked out.
her name was nicole. paula nicole. not that she told me. but our restaurant had this thing where the table had a large paper as a table cloth. and there were crayons so they could draw while they wait for their food. and really, they had to wait. sometimes even you'd see some rants on how long they had to wait for the food, or how bad it was, written in neon crayons. but that time, it was her name. i'm not sure if she wrote that down or the younger kid, coz the handwriting was a little bit worse than mine. which is bad enough. but i was sure it was her (coz i could've sworn i looked her up on friendster or somewhere else). and yea, i was just sure.
so when i stepped out for my break, i swear i walked around the mall for almost 4 hours just to anticipate that chance to bump into her or maybe just see her from afar. and i didn't. i fucking didn't.
so yea, i can remember writing this just before i started the 2nd half of my shift. pnp was her initials, and i'm not telling the other p.
===============================
and when i step out of this hell
i am so looking forward to
seeing you..once again..
the bright sparkle in your eyes
i once saw
so nostalgic, so magical
are you the one?
are you her?
are you?
hear me!
be her! and be here!
right now..is the right time!
come back..like your eyes said so
and when i saw you walkin' away
i swear i wanted to
follow you..and reach your hands
the sudden rush in my head
brought you back
in my space..it was your face
what's with the face you showed?
what's with the looks you threw?
what's with the words that your smiles told?
and what's about your name..(you wrote)?
and now i stepped out of this hell
i'm so so looking forward to
seeing you..once again..
but where are you?
2006.03.05_51_pnp
===============================
almost a year had past and i had long quit that place. i was re-reading things that i wrote, which i usually do, and i came across pnp. and i just wondered. about. her. i guess. so i wrote this. and it has no title.
===============================
___
what had happened back then was so confronting
i was so seeing forward to seeing you once again
now that i have long forgotten that hell where i stepped out
you're still missing..you never came back..
now tonight is the night
to reinvent the fallen destiny
this time is really the right time
for you to hear me
hear me! hear me!
from this deep festering wound
your eyes said you'd come back
now defy the myth of your promise
let me lay with you in bliss!
by that very moment you walked in
i felt the fire around me, struck frozen
everyone escaped my tunnel vision, objecting you
foretelling to..bring myself anew..
i sat there waiting
faces mobbed to millions
but never a trace
of your diligent face
seconds turned to hours
to years, into cries
still, still
no sign of your eyes
there i grew tired
til i finally stepped out of that place
still looking forward to
seeing you once again
but where are you?
and now that my little hope is beating
i won't let you slip away again
a single question is left hanging
would you mind to be my guest once again?
2007.02.07_81
===============================
today is October 12, 2016. a couple of weeks ago, i saw her on facebook. and instagram i guess. which is nice. she lives in palawan now. and i remember that face exactly like 10 years ago. 2006. that was a great year.
Tuesday, 11 October 2016
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