ready, next level, START!

paris

a perfect idea she had then to tussle 'fore we sleep
fought the why-nots that we make
then we laid there together, make separate pictures in our minds
of the forms that you would take

"thimbles"
-centaur

jean gray

all smiles from #teamparis

daisy siete

it is almost unbelievable how heartbreaking it is to drive off to work everynight knowing you'd be left alone at home. the most painful part is that we don't have much choice but to soldier through it all. yes, maybe, most of them like us go through that as well. yes, maybe, we're noob but it looks like it ain't much of an excuse. and yes, maybe, we're not the worst of all. we're better than fine, in a very general sense. and we have each other, which is the most important thing. so hang in there, my love..we're gonna get through this unscathed. i love you both the most real.

it will happen in sun valley

8 weeks and 1 day

never felt this much genuine happiness my entire life.

jump and fall

05312018

kawasan falls

badian, cebu

baby paris

happiest birthday ever

kay buwang

whitney cummings

Richard Dawkins

“I accept that there may be things far grander and more incomprehensible than we can possibly imagine.”

semantic satiation

semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation.
semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation.
semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation.
semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation.
semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation.
semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation. semantic satiation.

Susan Cain

“Highly sensitive (introverted) people process their environments - both physical and emotional - unusually deeply. They tend to notice subtleties that others miss - another person’s shift in mood, or a lightbulb burning a touch too brightly.”
— Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

Matt Kahn

“Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they have met themselves.”

Sylvia Plath

“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.”

dream catcher 20130608

i had a dream this afternoon.i can't really classify it as bad or good, whatever. story was, someone texted you. i read it. apparently, you're cheating. again. so you were mad, i was not, because i'm already a mad person. and eventually after my interrogations, you pleaded guilty.the name on the phone was Roshanna or something who works at the gym you go to. at first i thought SHE was related to that Jason guy or something. well apparently, Roshanna was the guy because Roshanna is a guy. i thought that was funny.anyway, i didn't want to talk about it right then and there and i just wanted to leave.i guess i didn't really care that much. maybe not anymore. and i was kind of wondering maybe it was for the better.and maybe i was half awake.

dream catcher 20160821

weird dream in the bus

plot is we're supposed to meet up. so i was driving on my motorcycle to wherever it's gonna be. then you texted me "maya-maya lang konti. may kausap lang ako". i didnt reply. we're supposed to meet anyway. i just drove. then i drove past this two people arguing. both with long blonde hair. turns out. it was you. and your husband. with long blonde hair. and you were fighting over our messages on your phone. (i could've sworn i remember that one line he said but just couldn't right now.) i didn't know what to do. i was looking at you from the side mirror. then i decided to make a uturn and watch you from the other side of the street. you're holding your phone. still arguing. from that moment, the reason why i was watching was just in case he beat you up so i could save you. and you were holding your phone in front of his face while he reads. inhad this thought of texting you something awful. like an douche line so he could read that it's ok and you wouldn't go for me. to save you from the argument. i don't know if i did. it ended there.

Helena Bonham Carter

“Everybody has an inferiority complex when they step into a room… When I was young I had so many inferiority complexes. I had an inferiority complex because I didn’t go to university…because I didn’t train. Then it gets tiring. And you get bored of it. “Fuck it” is my guiding philosophy.”

Ashton Kutcher

“So it’s really 3 things. The first thing is about opportunity. The second thing is about being sexy. And the third thing is about living life.
So first: opportunity. I believe that opportunity looks a lot like hard work. When I was 13, I had my first job with my dad carrying shingles up to the roof. And then I got a job washing dishes at a restaurant. And then I got a job in a grocery store deli. And then I got a job at a factory sweeping Cheerio dust off the ground. And I’ve never had a job in my life that I was better than; I was always just lucky to have a job. And every job I had was a stepping stone to my next job and I never quit my job until I had my next job. And so opportunities look a lot like work.
Number two: being sexy. The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart. And being thoughtful. And being generous. Everything else is crap! I promise you! It’s just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less, so don’t buy it. Be smart, be thoughtful, and be generous.
The third thing is something that I just relearned when I was making this movie about Steve Jobs. And Steve Jobs said when you grow up, you tend to get told that the world is the way that it is. And that your life is to live your life inside the world and try not to get in too much trouble and maybe get an education and get a job and make some money and have a family. But life can be a lot broader than that when you realize one simple thing. And that is that everything around us that we call life was made up by people that are no smarter than you. And you can build your own things. You can build your own life that other people can live in.
So build a life. Don’t live one; build one, find your opportunities, and always be sexy.”

gopro hero5 VS sjcam4000 wifi

sergeant

neuron degeneration is both a gift and a curse.

Jeff Brown

“We get more compassionate as we evolve. More humble. More subtle. More aware of how little we know. We don’t get superior. We don’t form cults of personality. We don’t think we have it all worked out. If we imagine ourselves ‘all that’, then we have actually devolved. I trust the ones who know a little something but don’t know a whole lot, more than the ones who ‘know it all’. I trust the ones who realize how far they have yet to travel. We have so much more to learn. All of us. Let’s walk together, side by side.”

John Lennon

“They made us believe that each one of us is the half of an orange, and that life only makes sense when you find that other half. They did not tell us that we were born as whole, and that no one in our lives deserve to carry on his back such responsibility of completing what is missing in us: we grow through life by ourselves. If we have good company it’s just more pleasant.”

football club

i've had so much false conversations i couldn't tell between them and the real ones.

dream catcher 20180517

the dream that coincided with reality. kinda.

it was my last day in verizon and i hosted this drinking session with the vzmusic people. had a picture with jasper and rani in the end.

today is my last day with my group. 12000 tickets later, i'm moving to a different one.

hello? hello? hello?

is there anybody in there?
just nod if you can hear me

found it!

My Dearest,

I've missed you very, very much since that last night we were together,
And will hold that night especially in my memories for years to come.
I've been turning it over and over in my mind lately.

I've read your letter through at least four times,
And will probably read it more times before I'm through.

I've been sitting here, looking at your picture,
And getting more homesick every minute.
I've wanted that picture more than anything else I know of,
Except of course, you yourself.

I keep thinking of you darling,
Keep wishing I could be home with you.
I want to leave in the worst possible way so I can come home to see you
But, things don't look so good in that subject.

This war has spoiled a lot of things for everyone I guess.
I've never been so lonesome in my life as I am right now.
I'm completely lost without you darling.
I never realized I could even miss any one person so much.

I just hope it won't be too much longer till I'm able to be with you again
And live a sane and normal life.

in any language

7 And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels,

8 And prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven.

9 And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him

dream catcher 20180516

the weird dream at the public market with the invisible meat stand

oh..

here's the challenge. complete these sentences without saying "fuck".

oh, fuck.

e-what?

adios patria adorada
preparado, apunte, fuego
queridos y queridas
jose rizal mercado
hijos, hijas de putas
los negros ocho ocho
adios amigos gracias
lambada cuando cuando cuando

you're supposed to get lost in the music, not lose the music

earlier i picked up my bass guitar and it didn't feel right. i swapped to my telecaster..didn't feel right. i listened to the recordings of the songs i wrote and they didn't sound right. i haven't touched my notebook for i don't know how long and it sure didn't feel right. and then there was this sudden realization that hit me so hard it sent me straight to bed. i lost it. my only outlet for all sorts of anger and fear and hatred and rage and pain and pleasure. i lost it. i lost the music.

Beau Taplin

"A relationship should not be measured in months or years. It’s the calibre of the memories that matter. Their impact, their permanence, and the degree to which they change you. I’ve had relationships lasting years I can now scarcely recollect, and hours with others that feel like infinities."

where is the splendor?

all our ambitions decay

seven steven

for 5 days, we convince ourselves that we're not suffering just so we can live for 2.

oh really?

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”
— Henry David Thoreau

CONTACT LIGHT

102:45:40 Aldrin: Contact Light.

102:45:43 Armstrong (onboard): Shutdown

102:45:44 Aldrin: Okay. Engine Stop.

102:45:45 Aldrin: ACA out of Detent.

102:45:46 Armstrong: Out of Detent. Auto.

102:45:47 Aldrin: Mode Control, both Auto. Descent Engine Command Override, Off. Engine Arm, Off. 413 is in.

102:45:57 Duke: We copy you down, Eagle.

102:45:58 Armstrong (onboard): Engine arm is off. Houston, Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed.

Don DeLillo

“How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn’t they paralyze us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise?”

Jill Shalvis

“For some unknown reason, success usually occurs in private, while failure occurs in full view.”

Brené Brown

“We are a culture of people who’ve bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.”
— Daring Greatly

we, men.

comfort music is a lie we convince ourselves to be comforting.

bon iver

“I think when you spend enough time when it’s quiet around you and you don’t open your mouth for three or four days, there’s parts of your brain that can kind of rest. I think when we’re out in the world and we have to talk to people, we edit ourselves. You know, we have to like, act a little bit. As honest as we may be as humans, when we’re out here, we’re all kind of wearing mirrors on our faces. You know, constantly reacting to how to react to the people around you. And I think when you’re alone for a long enough time, you can feel a lot more peace.”
— Justin Vernon

Charles Bukowski

“Some lose all mind and become soul, insane.
Some lose all soul and become mind, intellectual.
Some lose both and become accepted.”

14 cuss

i stared at that spreadsheet for one straight minute without blinking, hoping the cell contents would change. they didn't.

paris

20180511-12

room 415

miami tower

azure urban resorts

contrast

orcompass

20180504

robin gensel

dream catcher 20180507

umaga. after shift ng graveyard. hinatid ko sa bacoor ang girlfrend kong si kim. at umuwi na ako pagkatapos magpaalam.

sa byahe, binabagtas ko ang east service road ng slex. malapit na sa c5 exit. sa may bandang pup taguig. hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit napakaraming nakalilitong mga kalye. dapat dalawa lang. northbound at southbound. pero hindi. marami ngayon. at kahit saang linya ako pumunta, mali ang napupuntahan ko. laging pasalubong. lilipat ako sa kanan, may kasalubong. preno. urong. lipat sa kaliwa. arangkada. may kasalubong. preno urong. lipat sa kanan. at sa kabilang kanan pa. paulit ulit. hanggang sa naiba na ang eksena.

parehong lugar pero nakasakay na ako sa bus. sa bandang isle ng tatluhang upuan. may katabi akong isang babae sa kaliwa na hindi ko maalala ang mukha. nakatulog ako sa bus. pagising gising maya't maya. mahaba ang byahe dahil sa traffic. paiba-iba ang nakasakay kada gising. hanggang sa makababa na ako sa c5. hindi mukang c5, pero c5 yon.

pagbaba ko, kinapa ko agad ang bulsa ko kagaya ng lagi kong ginagawa. susi, check. wallet, check. cellphone, wala. kabilang bulsa, wala. likod, wala pa rin. wala ang cellphone ko. naisip ko baka kako naiwan ko lang sa bahay ni kim sa bacoor. ok lang. hindi ako nagpanic. kelangan ko lang makauwi agad para makapaglogin sa laptop at maitanong sa kanya kung naiwan ko ba talaga. naglakad na ako.

habang naglalakad, naisip ko na dinukot ko pa pala ang cellphone ko sa bus at ginamit saglit. kumpirmado. nawawala ang cellphone ko. nalaglag? hindi ko alam. nadukot? malamang. tumakbo ako.

hindi ko alam kung bakit pero tindahan agad ang hinanap ko. naghahanap ako ng payphone. habang tumatakbo, kapa-kapa ko pa rin ang wallet ko. pasalamat pa rin na hindi ito nadamay. nakakapa ko ito sa kaliwang bulsa. medyo makapal ng hugis wallet at pakiramdam ng wallet. iyon nga ang wallet ko. nakakita na ako ng tindahan.

busy ang tindera, hindi ko maabala sa pagtatanong kung may payphone ba sya. kahit na kita ko nang may nakapatong na landline sa may maliit na bintana ng tindahan nya. sa di ko alam na dahilan, ang may-ari ng tindahan ay si ate lady guard sa opisina. yung kulot na magaling kumanta. nagbiro pa ako sakanya dahil mukang consruction site yung kadugtong ng tindahan nya. sabi ko "ayos, papagawa ng mansyon ah!". nginitian nya lang ako.

bumalik ako sa bintana ng tindahan para maghintay pa ulit sa paggamit ng payphone. at don ko nakita ang pinsan ng kaibigan ng kapatid ko. si delia. pero hindi nya ito muka. ibang tao. pero lumingon naman sya nung tinawag ko sya.

ako: delia!
"delia": hoy.
ako: andito ka rin pala. san ka dito?

may sinabi syang lugar na diko maalala. parang nag-aalaga daw sya ng bata kung san man.

ako: (dahil gusto kong siguraduhin na sya nga yun kasi iba ang mukha nya) sino ngang pinsan mo?

gusto kong marinig ang sagot nya na "si fish". pero iba ang narinig ko.

"delia": si lola.

hindi na ako sumagot. inisip ko na ibang tao nga yon. pero naisip ko rin kung bakit sya lumingon at sumagot nung tinawag ko sya. gusto ko sanang itanong kung sya ba talaga si delia. pero inip na inip na ako sa paghihintay ng payphone.

inangat ko ang handset. may nagsasalita. biglang tumayo si ate guard. may kausap pala sya sa extension.

ate guard: wag mo iangat. mamaya ka na.

umalis ako. lumipat ako sa katabing tindahan at nagtanong.

ako: may payphone kayo?
tindera: (umiling lang)

lumipat ako sa kabila pang tindahan. may tao, pero hindi na ako nagtanong.

nagmadali akong naglakad. nakarating sa kanto at nakitang may ilang taong nagkakagulo sa maliit na tindahan sa bangketa. lumapit ako. nakita ko dn si miggy ng chicosci. pumipili sya ng dvd na nakahanay sa bangketa.

ako: chavez! dvdx!
miggy: oy! pato! (kilala nya pa ako)

iniwan ko na sila don at patuloy na naglakad pauwi. patakbo. andon na ako sa may bandang vulcanizing shop. isang kanto na lang. kinapa ko ulit yung wallet ko sa kaliwang bulsa. andon pa. kinapa ko ang kanan, may laman na parang maninipis na papel. dinukot ko. pera. naisip ko, wala dapat akong pera sa kanang bulsa kasi hindi naman ako naglalagay ng pera don. pagdukot ko, may bente bente. may mga isandaan. may isang sanlibo. magulo pagkakatupi. iniisip ko bakit nasa kanang bulsa ang pera ko. baka naman dinukot ko ang wallet ko at nilipat ang mga buo sa kabilang bulsa. nilabas ko ang wallet mula sa kaliwang bulsa. tinanggal ang lock. andon pa yung pera ko, nakatupi lahat. pero bakit nadoble ang pera ko? hinugot  ko isa isa. at binuka sa pagkakatupi. putangena, walang imprenta ang likod. lahat sila harap ang ay imprenta. kinabahan na ako. damay din pala ang wallet ko. (actually, card holder pala to, hindi wallet). sinilip ko isa isa yung mga card ko. id. atm. credit card. lisensya. kumpleto. sinubukang kong bunutin yung credit card ko kasi yun lang naman ang agaran nilang mapapakinabangan don. paghugot ko, karton lang! pero parehas na parehas ang print. pati kulay. at karton na nga lahat ng laman ng card holder ko. naiiyak na ako. walang natira sakin. nagmadali na lang ako maglakad.

sa may kanto pagkaliko ko, narinig ko ang boses ng kapatid ko. pero hindi ko pinapansin kasi malapit na naman sa bahay at nagmamadali na ako. tuloy tuloy sya ng pagsigaw.

trigger: tomi! tomi! tomi!

pagliko sa huling kanto, hinintay ko na sya. hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. pagsulpot nya galing sa kanto, akay akay nya ang bunso nyang si poyms. iniisip ko, patay, wala ako ipapakain dito. wala akong kapera pera. nung naabutan na nya ako, sinabi ko na sakanya.

ako: na-hypnotize ako sa bus. walang natira sakin.

tumingin lang sya sakin at di nagsalita. tumuloy nako paglakad papuntang bahay.

pagdating sa harap ng bahay, bukas ang gate. bukas din ang pangalawang gate. kinapa ko agad susi ko, baka nakuha rin. pero pano naman nya nalaman kung san ako nakatira? sa address sa mga id ko? hindi eh, puro provincial address ang andon.

umakyat ako sa hagdan. unang baitang. pangalawa. pangatlo. biglang sumilip si kim, nagluluto sya, may hawak pang sandok at takip ng kaldero.

ako: bat andito ka?
kim: ano ka ba? gabing gabi na. (na parang gusto nya sabihin na maghapon na akong nawawala kaya pinuntahan na nya ako. pero yun lang ang sinabi nya)
.
.
.
naramdaman kong gumalaw ang katawan ko. umikot pala ako sa kama. dumilat. at unti-unti akong bumalik sa realidad. panaginip lang. biglang gumaan ang pakiramdam ko, pero ramdam ko pa rin yung bigat ng dibdib na nadala galing sa panaginip. tuyong tuyo ang bibig ko hanggang lalamunan. basang basa ang leeg ng pawis. parang hindi ko matanggap na bakit hindi ko agad naisip na panaginip lang lahat habang nasa panaginip pa ako. nagagawa ko naman yun madalas. tumingin ako sa orasan. 9:30. mabagal na nagbilang. isang oras. isang oras pa lang akong natutulog. nagmessage agad ako kay kim sa nangyari. tumayo uminom ng tubig. sumindi. at ngayon, isinusulat ko na ito. isa pa, ngayon ko lang naalala, hindi pala delia pangalan nya. dahlia.

naisip ko rin, parang baliktad. hindi ba dapat maghanap ako ng payphone kapag alam ko nang nawawala ang credit card ko? pero naghanap agad ako. hayaan na natin yon.

may ibang kwento pa sa panaginip. mga naunang kwento bago ko pa ihatid si kim sa bacoor. gaya nung nasa bahay ako sa tayabas at karga karga ko si poyms. pero hindi ko maalala ng buo. kaya hindi ko na ikukwento.

tsingtao

saw adrian erlandsson with at the gates (and cradle of filth..kinda) last night at pulp summer slam XVIII with my friend jasper.

the euphoria of listening to his (their) music for one and a half decade and all those things you thought of doing when you see him (them) live all came rushing in in real time and all i can think of is "fuck, i love music"..(and yea, "i'm a drummer"). and this is the one thing i will never want to drift away from. the inevitable process of getting lost in it. the feeling that i live for for decades. the lyrics that you sing at the top of your lungs with all your heart. damn.

@official_adrianerlandsson



other acts worth mentioning
bloody tyrant
crown the empire
jinjer
death angel!
behemoth!!!

she heard

"intensely passionate and at times volatile, but always bound by love"

Rikkie Gale

“I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me… now I look around and wonder if I like them.”

Paramahansa Yogananda

“Millions of people never analyze themselves. Mentally they are mechanical products of the factory of their environment, preoccupied with breakfast, lunch, and dinner, working and sleeping, and going here and there to be entertained. They don’t know what or why they are seeking, nor why they never realize complete happiness and lasting satisfaction. By evading self-analysis, people go on being robots, conditioned by their environment. True self-analysis is the greatest art of progress.”

Jack Kerouac

“I realized these were all the snapshots which our children would look at someday with wonder, thinking their parents had lived smooth, well-ordered lives and got up in the morning to walk proudly on the sidewalks of life, never dreaming the raggedy madness and riot of our actual lives.”

Jason Silva

“Ultimately, there are two types of people in this world; those who fully embrace the enormity of life and those who reject it and hide from it. The latter profile is a psychological defense mechanism that manifests as ‘boredom’.”

Mr. Robot

"Oh, I don't know. Is it that we collectively thought Steve Jobs was a great man, even when we knew he made billions off the backs of children? Or maybe it's that it feels like all our heroes are counterfeit? The world itself's just one big hoax. Spamming each other with our running commentary of bullshit, masquerading as insight, our social media faking as intimacy. Or is it that we voted for this? Not with our rigged elections, but with our things, our property, our money. I'm not saying anything new. We all know why we do this, not because Hunger Games books makes us happy, but because we wanna be sedated. Because it's painful not to pretend, because we're cowards. Fuck society."

don't lose it

nitwit

crazy how when i die from fire and my body gets charred and when dental imprint is my only possible identification, only one stranger can identify me. not a relative, not a loved one, but a stranger. and i've only chosen one stranger for the past 12 years. life is crazy.

vivid david

20180423-0258

tonight, i'm sick with the flu and still working the usual graveyard shift. i went to visit the company nurse earlier to get checked but she just gunned me with that infrared thermometer and said i was not sick, then handed me a paracetamol. i went back to my station and here i dozed off. and then i had this dream.

i was sitting on a table in this empty room talking to someone about something me myself couldn't hear clear. i turned around and saw my friend, glenn, whom we have lost 11 years ago. and this is the part i heard me say..

i was telling him all about my personal experiences during his trying times, while he sat in the adjacent table smiling all the way. briefly lying down from time to time, never losing the conversation. i told him all about those times that he wouldn't reply to anyone else but me while he was still in the hospital. i said it may just be some kind of happenstance that it happened like that and didn't have anything more to it. those days i went to visit him everyday for maybe 2 straight weeks. that moment when i realized i may be losing another friend, and told him about this high school friend that we lost 4 years prior, how it affected me as a person, and how long it took me to cope up with it. and of course that time when he was on his deathbed and i couldn't be there for him for the last time. my story ended there, to that moment that i'd like to think he was looking for me. i saw him looking sideways, smiling at me. and the dream ended there. i woke up in front of my work monitors feeling more chilly than before. it was so vivid. he was just right there. i could literally just lean forward and grab him by the collar and ask a lot of things. i feel weird now. i need to light one up.

#istilldontgethashtags

?

fyw

for your winformation

srsly 2

who still spells it like that?

Stephen Hawking

“For millions of years, mankind lived just like the animals. Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination. We learned to talk and we learned to listen. Speech has allowed the communication of ideas, enabling human beings to work together to build the impossible. Mankind’s greatest achievements have come about by talking, and its greatest failures by not talking…All we need to do is make sure we keep talking.”

unknown

“Perhaps it’s good for one to suffer. Can an artist do anything if he’s happy? Would he ever want to do anything? What is art, after all, but a protest against the horrible inclemency of life?”

Charles de Lint

“We’re so quick to cut away pieces of ourselves to suit a particular relationship, a job, a circle of friends, incessantly editing who we are until we fit in.”

Wendelin Van Draanen

“All of a sudden I didn’t fit in anywhere. Not at school, not at home… and every time I turned around, another person I’d known forever felt like a stranger to me. Even I felt like a stranger to me.”
— Wendelin Van Draanen, Flipped

Albert Einstein

“The mind that opens to a new idea never returns to its original size.”

Mark Twain

“Most people die at 27, we just bury them at 72.”

wake the angels, tell them that she's not scared

with a handful of bullet shells

George Jung

"So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It’s always the last day of summer and I’ve been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I’ll grant you I’ve had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they’re making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I’ve left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there’s almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door."

Philip Zimbardo

"Most of us know ourselves only from our limited experiences in familiar situations that involve rules, laws, policies, and pressures that constrain us. We go to school, to work, on vacation, to parties; we pay the bills and the taxes, day in and year out. But what happens when we are exposed to totally new and unfamiliar settings where our habits don't suffice? you start a new job, go on your first computer-matched date, join a fraternity, get arrested, enlist in the military, join a cult, or volunteer for an experiment. The old you might not work as expected when the ground rules change.”
— Philip Zimbardo, The Lucifer Effect

Bianca Sparacino

Understand that life is not a straight line. Life is not a set timeline of milestones. It is okay if you don’t finish school, get married, find a job that supports you, have a family, make money, and live comfortably all by this age, or that age. It’s okay if you do, as long as you understand that if you’re not married by 25, or a Vice President by 30 — or even happy, for that matter — the world isn’t going to condemn you. You are allowed to backtrack. You are allowed to figure out what inspires you. You are allowed time, and I think we often forget that. We choose a program right out of high school because the proper thing to do is to go straight to University. We choose a job right out of University, even if we didn’t love our program, because we just invested time into it. We go to that job every morning because we feel the need to support ourselves abundantly. We take the next step, and the next step, and the next step, thinking that we are fulfilling some checklist for life, and one day we wake up depressed. We wake up stressed out. We feel pressured and don’t know why. That is how you ruin your life.

You ruin your life by choosing the wrong person. What is it with our need to fast-track relationships? Why are we so enamored with the idea of first becoming somebody’s rather than somebodies? Trust me when I say that a love bred out of convenience, a love that blossoms from the need to sleep beside someone, a love that caters to our need for attention rather than passion, is a love that will not inspire you at 6am when you roll over and embrace it. Strive to discover foundational love, the kind of relationship that motivates you to be a better man or woman, the kind of intimacy that is rare rather than right there. “But I don’t want to be alone,” we often exclaim. Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. Wait for it. Please, I urge you to wait for it, to fight for it, to make an effort for it if you have already found it, because it is the most beautiful thing your heart will experience.

https://thoughtcatalog.com/bianca-sparacino/2014/11/how-to-ruin-your-life-without-even-noticing-that-you-are/

Tim Urban

"And when you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children, your eating companion for about 20,000 meals, your travel companion for about 100 vacations, your primary leisure time and retirement friend, your career therapist, and someone whose day you’ll hear about 18,000 times.”
— Tim Urban, Wait But Why - How to Pick Your Life Partner

Louise Bourgeois

“I’m in a state close to sleepwalking. I have not been able to focus my attention on anything for long. At the same time my brain is tremendously active. I have all sorts of ideas and plans in my head and I’m all set to write, or draw–anything–but physically I’m very tired and calm and feverish.”

brrr

kid, clearly, you haven't met the man
 --who is the man?
there is no man. but he's everywhere.
--like god?
yea..but real.

Mike Tyson

“Fear is your best friend or your worst enemy. It’s like fire. If you can control it, it can cook for you; it can heat your house. If you can’t control it, it will burn everything around you and destroy you.”

unknown

“After a while, the residents of the sea do not hear the sound of the waves. How bitter it is, the story of routine.”

Ricky Gervais

“As an atheist, I see nothing “wrong” in believing in a God. I don’t think there is a God, but belief in him does no harm. If it helps you in any way, then that’s fine with me. It’s when belief starts infringing on other people’s rights when it worries me. I would never deny your right to believe in a God. I would just rather you didn’t kill people who believe in a different God, say. Or stone someone to death because your rulebook says their sexuality is immoral. It’s strange that anyone who believes that an all-powerful all-knowing, omniscient power responsible for everything that happens, would also want to judge and punish people for what they are.”
— Ricky Gervais: Why I’m an Atheist

Isaac Asimov

“So, the universe is not quite as you thought it was. You’d better rearrange your beliefs, then. Because you certainly can’t rearrange the universe.”

Chuck Palahniuk

“I see all this potential and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables, slaves with white collars, advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of the history man, no purpose or place, we have no Great war, no Great depression, our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives, we’ve been all raised by television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars, but we won’t and we’re slowly learning that fact. and we’re very very pissed off.”

Fred Jung

"It's good if it makes you happy. It's nice to have nice things, George. Are you happy?"

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #416

I've been thinking about becoming a polytheist. No, this has nothing to do with missing Battlestar Galactica. And yes, I realize my blasphemous notion flies in the face of a few thousand years of "Ye shall have no other gods before me." (To be honest, even when I was a kid that commandment troubled me. It sounded like a jealous girlfriend saying, "If I catch you looking at other girls, you're in big trouble, Mister!" And don't get me started on how "no other gods before me" kinda implies that there might actually be some other gods loitering about.) But my main reason for considering becoming a Pagan (Pagish? Jewgan?), is that it neatly answers the age-old question, "Why does god allow so much suffering in the world?" When tragedy strikes, the monotheistic approach can only offer the tired old, "It is not for us to question god's will." Really? Why not us? Who else is in the questioning business? But look what happens when we ask the same question from a pantheistic perspective. Why do the gods allow so much suffering in the world? Because outside of their particular area of expertise: farming, war, fertility, what-have-you, they are not even remotely in control. The buck stops nowhere. (In this scenario both the Old Testament and New Testament deities are off the hook as far as your general suffering is concerned.) But here's the really good news: with a polytheistic approach to prayer we can micro-target our beseeching. Trouble with love? Take it to Aphrodite. Not catching enough fish? Poseidon. Are you regularly waking up from alcohol-induced blackouts in the sleeping compartment of long-haul trucks that carry circus equipment and little people? That sounds like a job for Dionysus. Need your sitcom pilot to get picked up for the Fall season? Les Moonves. In other words, whatever the crisis might be, there's a god ready to take your call. What are you waiting for? Call now and receive a free goat-sacrificing kit! (Goat sold separately.)

ep4

WFC

i wanna see oldskul WWF ROYAL RUMBLE. same ring. but with UFC fighters. with joe rogan calling the shots. and just for fun, let's put randy orton and triple H just in the middle of it. imagine brock lesnar and alistair overeem team up to rip the arms off of one of the featherweights. and one of the flyweights beheading triple H with a spinning kick. and randy orton crying like a little girl on the top turnbuckle.



Thursday, February 26, 2015 at 1:46am UTC+08

ripped

phrases that drill through my ear canal straight to my brain, stop some of my neurons from firing, and make me question the future of humanity.

"bet ko yan!"
"(insert anything here) lang ang peg!"
"push mo yan teh!"
"bonggang bongga!"
"imba!"
"eh di wow!"
"(insert anything here), pramis!"
"(insert anything here) agad?! di ba pwedeng (insert anything here) muna?!"
"ansabe?!"
"(insert anything here) din pag may time!"
"(insert anything here) pa more!"



Friday, June 26, 2015 at 1:11am UTC+08

holistic grams

this is the one thing i don't approve of science. so what? if everything is just a hologram, it doesn't matter. there is no point of comparison. there is no other vantage point. what? so you can start raping women because she is just a "hologram"? fuck you. this is the same thing as the one that says "we are not really touching anything and that no matter actually touches another". so fucking what? you're starting a worldwide confusion. there are so many stupid people who could use this information to their advantage. "i didn't really touch her breasts since scientists proved that nothing touches anything." FUCK YOU. say something like, water is just a hologram and oceans don't actually exist. that way, it would be more interesting. this is what you're spending your grant money for research? jesus!!!



Friday, February 20, 2015 at 10:22pm UTC+08

16

Dating

Early 20s: OMG, does she like me baaaaaaack?! We hooked up, but I still don’t know!

Late 20s: We are either doing this thing or we’re not doing this thing, lemme know, I have shit to do.



Saturday, June 21, 2014 at 9:12pm UTC+08

bare

the very definition of a pretty face is ellen adarna with no make up.


20170501-1203

bang

if you doubt him and he fails:
you: i told you.
he feels bad.

if you doubt him and he succeeds:
him: i told you.
you feel bad.

if you believe in him and he succeeds:
both of you just feels good.

but those three instances has nothing when compared to when you believe in him and he fails:
you: well, at least you tried.
him: well, at least you believed in me.


20170404-0129

ellipsis

maybe that's it. maybe i dreamt the wrong dream.


20170326-2220

time in prague : an open letter to Denisa Civirova

Deni,

Hi! It's been awhile. I received the email you sent out on your last day of work. It was kinda bitter sweet to me. Bitter -- coz i know I'll never be able to talk to you again; sweet -- coz the fact the you included me on the recipients meant I somehow had a tiny impact on your memory during the shifts we shared. I actually sent a reply, hoping that you'd somehow read it by any chance, which of course you won't.

Anyway, how are things going for you? Are you still in Czech? Or have you moved on to another city, or country? I remember when you told me that story where you tend to move city to city and not stay in one place for very long, and that I told you we're a lot alike like that, although I haven't moved again yet. I've been staying on my apartment for almost 2 years now. It gets harder to move when over time you acquire so much stuff for your apartment; appliances and shelves and stuff. I hope you have moved on to different places as much as you want to. I know it makes you happy that way. I know it'd make me happy, too. But we lead different lives my friend. Circumstances are one thing we never expected we would deal with when we become adults. We're almost the same age and I guess we're going through the same daily grind.

How's the snow over there?


.
.
.
tbc...


===============================

sometime in January of '17

choices

i just hate hearing the overused phrase "i have no choice" because we always have a choice. no matter what we do in this world, it all comes down to choices. like neo, when he had to choose between the red pill or the blue pill. although part of me still believes that morpheus just drugged neo and all those matrix stuff didn't actually happen, funny thing is that the drugs wasn't on the pill, it was on the water. so whether neo took the blue pill instead of the red, nothing would matter, he would still be crouching down on one corner of that room drooling over saving Zion in his head. well anyway, going back to the point of the matter, it all boils down to choices. it comes on a daily basis like which pair of shoes to wear, or whether to prefer contact lenses instead of prescription glasses.simple things really.simple choices.but sometimes life gives you very difficult ones.some could determine your future.some could determine your blissful happiness.and some even a matter of life and death.now going back to school when we were taking multiple choice type of exams, we all prefer to have less choices.most common is 4 choices for one question.easy.but what if  the professor gives you 100 choices for one question.you're gonna lose your mind.i mean how the hell are you going to choose the best answer out of 100 choices?problem is, they're almost the same.it's hard.cut it down to 10 choices.sounds easier but still hard.because you have 10% chance of getting the right answer so you could move on to question number 2.if we're going te decide for it, in exams, the lesser the choices, the easier it gets.given 2 choices.easy.cross out the stupid one and go to the next question.but in life, it's different.it's almost the complete opposite.the lesser the choice the harder things get.in exams, so what you had question number 1 wrong?you still have 99 more.or maybe more.the checker would just put an X mark on that particular number.so what?big deal.but in life, given 2 choices for something huge.how the hell do you choose easily?there's no turning back.there's no X mark.i think this universe by design is supposed to give you that hard choice at some point.or maybe, probably, entropy has something to do with this.but whatever it is that'd eventually lead to complete disorder, at the end of the day, you are the one making that choice.so you better man up and back your choice up.and don't ever say you don't have a choice.because even if you're pushed to the corner with only 1 choice left,not giving a fuck would always be the other choice.

===============================

red notes
20130528-1911

DMs

hey..hi..sorry, but to be honest, i've been on stalker mode for a couple of days now, which sounds creepy enough. i know ------, but not that much so it doesn't really count as an advantage. i just think you're pretty, like out-of-my-league-pretty but i wanna get to know you anyway. if you're into random chat and likes to fill the void of your slack time with senseless to sensible conversation, just send me a message. also, feel free to reply with "not interested" or "fuck off" so i'd know what i had gotten myself into. lol

20170102-0544


maybe 10 minutes after...



"fuck off" (or something like that)

together / to.get.her

dude, that's her.

--that's her?

no, that's not her.

--i thought you said that's her?

yea, i thought that's her, too.

--so that's not her?

nope. not her.

--i don't get it.

i don't get it either.


===============================
September 25, 2013 at 10:15am

dearest father,

there is something that i have been keeping from you. i never found the right time to talk about it. it was either i thought you are not ready, but mostly because i am not ready. anyway, please finish reading this.

to me, religion is earth bound. there's no religion outside of it. religion is a culture; in which we adapt to whatever is readily available upon child birth. it is a form of government, only stronger. the bible is written by people with limited knowledge from limited resources. they had to come up with an idea to bring humanity together through a congregation of identical minds. they had to explain everything they see, feel, and experience to answer the queries of the doubtful. and those things impossible to explain in their era are left to a supreme being they created in which they called God.

what they did not anticipate is that people will always have disputes. we are all with different minds. no person is exactly the same as another. this led to hundreds of other religions sprouting from all over the world. problem is, everyone is spiritually proud that they are the "right" religion, if something actually is. the only thing common to us all is our consciousness.

i have always seen that problem. hinduism, buddhism, taoism, judaism, islam, and even every other sect of christianism is disproving the existence of any other's supreme being other that what they believe in. everyone is saying that they are lucky that they have been born in the right religion. and everyone is sure.

i have asked you once, how are people that are never introduced to any religion judged? like the indigenous tribes of the amazon or the himalayas. you answered, they will be judged by how they lived their lives. by how pure and kind their heart is. i get that. that's totally rational. but why are there missionaries? why did they spread it out in the first place?

i have always been a believer, although i always had questions, i kept my faith. some of my questions were answered, some are not. and those unaswered ones all go to "God". because all things are possible through him. he is omnipotent. he is all powerful. he is the supreme being. he is God. he is the God.

but we are living now in the information era. scientists have developed machineries and technological advances to help further explain what was impossible to explain in the primitive years including the biblical times. and so the science vs religion war exploded centuries ago, which started with the argument between the flat earth and the round earth. the geocentric and heliocentric system. that we are the center of the universe. that we are special. and this is happening while the religion vs other religion war is still going on. that they are somehow special. that they are chosen. i have to say, i am not going to participate in any disputes on this matter. what i did, and still am doing, is just silently study what is the most rational, physical, and most plausible explanation to whichever question i need answered. whichever fits my state of my mind. whichever aligns with my own consciousness.

everything in the bible must be 100% real, because if not, then it is not the bible. i have not carefully studied it. i know i'm not supposed to. i know it's very intricate and must be studied by those who are rightfully commendable. but from our teachings, i know enough. i must say, i am not going to argue about the moral teachings the bible has. it has been the basis of almost every law people create. but now, to me, it is nothing more than a morality book. i have tried to defend the bible, not to others, but just to myself. i know it is your basis of living. i know you do not exclude any verse that you do not believe. you are a smart man, and thanks to the bible and our church, you are the kindest hearted man i know. too kind, if i may say. so i had to defend it to myself. if it's good enough for you, it should be good enough for me. but i was too late. i was exposed to knowledge that has been present for centuries. all i had to do was read. my field of study involves technology. it highly involves math and science. ideas that are proven factual. how the physical world works. how the universe works. how everything reacts with anything. how we became us. with these, i lost to the battle between creationism vs evolution. and i just lost genesis at that point. something just doesn't add up. there has been tons of studies that focused on the age of the earth based on genesis. they said from when God created the heavens and the earth up to this point, it is only about 6 thousand years. there are evidences that earth is not just 6 thousand years old. but they could be wrong. my point is, it all started there. questions are now being answered. and what i found out was that, there's no question in the first place. we have no purpose. we make our own purpose. and the most rational purpose is just to love one another. care for one another. learn from one another. basically everything the bible says about morality. but we are not special. no one is chosen. we are all children of evolution. of humanity.

i have been meaning to talk to someone about this. a minister perhaps, to help me explain the side of our church. this isn't getting any easier for me. if anything, it is getting harder everyday. i have stopped attending church more than two years ago. at first, i still attended regular worship service, but i just couldn't stop negating in my mind what the minister says. and i thought, if i was wrong and the church is right, then i am literally mocking the church's teachings right in front of God in every congregational gathering i attend. so i stopped. i couldn't even remember when was the last time i prayed.

the hardest part is that i have to lie to the people i love the most, my parents. i would understand if this will make you angry. i know the gravity and the effect of this to you, especially now that you are in sitting in a higher position in the church. i have kept this for far too long. i never had the strength to talk to you about this. i know that you're a man of science as well. you are a very smart person. i know you are smarter than me. i just have a diploma, but it does not make me smarter than you. and i was afraid it might change you as well. i hope not. because i can see that you are very happy with what you do. it has been the purpose of your life, to serve the God you introduced to me. i realized that it gives you an authoritative chance of helping other people. if we take religion aside, you are still helping them to be a better person. you have such good friends and i envy you at times. i know this affects everything that you are and i would totally understand if you would disown me as part of our family. but know that i will accept anything that would amount to your anger. and know that i have my highest respect for you and i never stopped loving you both as my parents. this is no one's fault, certainly not yours. sorry, but i can't go back now. i know this will change everything, but if you could consider, we could try and go on with our differences aside and just be happy we have one another.

your youngest,


20150523-1118

i'm a terrible mechanic