Wednesday, 30 November 2016

undated-untitled

you were just yesterday's dream
come over night you are here
so let's drive somewhere far
i could go anywhere in your car

it is a place many have dared
many have succeeded, but i just don't care
keep in mind what i have said
that day, that place and where it led

stop smiling
it might reinvent past beliefs
stop staring
i might never would wanna leave

you were just last night's thoughts
a story noone would've bought
i've got no end on this bargain
but to see none of these end

===============================

the song that jumpstarted orion overhead. i remember writing "tales" right after i wrote this, 'coz i was not happy with the output. this was supposedly a song about my dream about ellen. tales was written 2014.01.17. so this must be from 2014.01.16 before midnight.

Tuesday, 29 November 2016

2010.09.24_10-14-untitled

have you ever..
wait, i can't ask this
feels like now or never
so please don't answer with a kiss

for it complicate things
it's not yes neither no
it's just a simple "here-i-am-beside-you-so-close-your-eyes-and-let's-see-how-this-feels" kinda thing
but still not "i love you"

for once.
be honest without saying you're honest
stop lying and mind your conscience
for you're killing me
i know you'd be there
i know you really care
but something was never clear
would it ever be clear?
for once..
have you ever..

please remember..
wait, i can't beg for this
would it be better
to just ask for another kiss?

but it'd complicate things
does not need yes neither no
it's just a simple "here-i-am-beside-you-so-close-your-eyes-and-let's-see-how-this-feels" kinda thing
but still not "i really love you"

what if "what could've been?" happens today?
what if the "what if?"s are just okay?
then there's no better line than
"i think we're gonna be fine, don't you?"

for once..
have you ever..thought of us?

2010.09.24_10-14

===============================

K

2010.09.20-21_10-13-untitled

whoever said this is real
i could've sworn i felt you lie
whatever you said time can heal
another poor attempt implied

so this is true
i lost my old self
it just occured to me
this is a different earth

well i've always perfected
befriending the future
or so i thought, (or so i thought / and so i fought)
hell, i pictured this better
while this wasn't yet future
it's a wrong turn (it's a wrong turn)

however i stare at that light
well, it only blinds me black
could never use it for a night
tell me how do you go back?

in time
this storm will subside
but that time
i might've just died

2010.09.20-21_10-13

gral

kaibigan, pagod na 'kong magtanong
kami, san ka ba talaga naroroon?
marami kang nasaktan
na'ng ikaw ay bigla na lang lumisan
tulad ko, di manlang nakapagpaalam
ang daya mo, bakit ka nang-iiwan?

kaibigan, ngayon ko lang napapansin
mas marami ka palang alam na malungkot na awitin
at ngayon wala nang pagkakataon na maawit
dahil ang alam naming lahat andyan ka na sa langit

bilanggo sa tanong

kaibigan, kumusta'ng pakiramdam
naaalala no'ng ika'y nasasaktan
ang luha mo, ang luha ko, ang luha ng magulang mo
kinukubli, tinatago, walang may gustong sumuko
ngunit bakit biglang nagkaganon
hindi ko mapilit ibalik ang panahon
at sa isang saglit, nakulong ka sa isang kahon
ulan mula sa langit, lulan ay mga tanong

ang 'yong awit at tinig, saan muling maririnig?
saan at kailan at kanino kami hihiling?
paano at anu-ano ang dapat na itaya
upang diwa nating lahat muling magkita-kita?
asan ka?narating mo na ba ang hangganan?
paki-bulong sa akin, pa'no ba pumunta d'yan?


2010.08.18_10-10_gral

===============================

glenn ryan arñejo lumandog
19860930 - 20070223

2010.08.11_10-09-untitled

pierce your tounge to shut your mouth
all unsaid must be left unknown
talk to your walls, scream, shout
or show me your face and see it blown

exemption isn't available for anyone of you
just try and do what you are told to do

justify the means of life alone
omnipotence never led me to my throne
create a whole new hollow world

get it, get it, forget it's right
unleash your hello, beat it with goodbye
destroy the bridges, don't just burn them
on your own skin, with your own name

xenophobe on your fake surroundings
heed the words of the one speaking
automatic scheme for breathing
name your color, here's your makeshift wings

skip those faces, friend
earn these verses and
vanquish the end

must i feel down?
infidels now has the crown
gold amassed by others
satisfies their thirst

lower your swords
vow down to the lords


2010.08.11_10-09

===============================

pato ej joc gudo xhan sev migs lv

the fire is out.almost.

and so we had it once
and yes, you heard it right
things have been convincing lately
that this is from my last life
i'm not sure how to do it
but let me handle it this time
four pairs of summer and autumn
are starting to commit sins for a night

your goodbye never got me home
i swear on my life, it's true
if it wasn't for destiny
i'd still be bleeding for you
cause no vault had been locked
the door's still wide open
that year's still on my clock
and i want it forgotten

now my gauge is saying
i'm having a hard time breathing

you started to apologize
then i started asking why's
and you were just repeating your words
i was not alright
when i said,"it's alright."
believe me, that was a fake smile i wore

somethin's droppin' on this paper
i'm pretty sure it's not red
i've done no leverage
can you please tell me i'm dead?
it is time for my vindication
but how the fuck can i deliver
if i'm so dreary from asphyxiation
on your words that sounded evil?

can you still visualize
the stairway and the tower
the moon and her power
your eyes, your tears
your words, your lips
and my world that crashed into the realm of make-believe?
it's not alright.
it's not alright.

2010.08.04_10-07_the fire is out.almost.

land your valentine

the clock is tickin
my gloc is clickin
are we dyin?
we are! we are!

now this is the last
our time is done
our ties are served well
in arms still friends
now this is the last
this is us

is today what was tomorrow?
yes! fuck! it is!

this is our story
fast-becoming past
now don't watch the clock
do what it does
for it's moving so fast
we can't fix it with trust

we don't have wings
we're not really what we think we are

we aren't reduced
no comrade is lost
no bad blood stain
but the honest consequences
were seperate pain
individual gain

we're still wishing it would come back
a time when nothing matters that much
when with young blood and little money
we became what they call family

this isn't givin' up
this is growin' up
this isn't goodbye
this is realization
now this is the last
this is us

2010.07.29_10-05_land your valentine

2009.12.10_6-untitled

so in these last days of me
before forever darkness bites
hopin you're the last that i see
you, my only aperture of light

forever in this side is not real
i never believed in it anyway
but at this moment, still..
i'm wishing you'd be with me all the way

there won't be no more Summer
no more Autumn
there won't be no more..no more..

i've never sold myself this short
this is where everything goes to waste
this is the hardest so far
this is me in pitch black haze

i give up
i'm sorry
i quit
as always

i thought no one could say how are these gonna end..
well, i guess i can..
watch.

2009.12.10_6

2009.05.06_2-untitled

this is the moment i go to you
the moment i find things untrue
for all else is burning and failing and falling
for there's nowhere to hide when bullets has your name

welcome to my rapidly disappearing self!

each day is a dagger
each step's headin' nowhere
each and every move i make confirms me i'm a failure
well, there’s no line to follow
and this search will never be over

and everytime i try to hold on to your thoughts
everything's telling me you've never fought
for any of these
for everything i've been trying to seize
except for the fact that you've failed me over and over
and the act that i've forgiven you over and over
and expected you to come closer!
(alexandria) come closer!
(alexandria) this will never be over!

all i'll ever need is a glance..
then nothing ahead stands a chance..

at times like these..
you're all i'll ever want to say..
"everything's gon' be okay.."

2009.05.06_2

2008.02.27_11-untitled

everything's lost
everything's bargained
severed hands, cover them ears
(try not to listen)

every fight's lost
a failed dream seeker
try not to cope with reality
(sleep deep)

reminisce the time, your time of reign
grasp the picture, of thunder and rain
go back to basics, breathe
and live, and start (again / a new reign)

when things turned out the same
and nothing seem to ever change (again)
when you're still a failure
come to me, come with me..

your friend's someone else's now
but you're never alone somehow
when fallen faith turned fate
i am here
come, let us discover hate..

try not to listen
sleep deep
new reign is comin'
new souls to keep

leave your stand
be in another dimension
when the beatings exceeded
what your mind once mentioned

2008.02.27_11

Sunday, 27 November 2016

evil cupid

for most of the girls i dated before, (while), and after my long term relationship with one, i noticed a pattern. most of them are in a relationship. in a failing relationship. some are single, but this somewhat applies to them as well. here's what happens, especially on the ones in a failing relationship. i'd spend time with them. talk to them. think about them and tell them about it. show my heart and "soul" to them. and that's just being me, to people i like, which is not much. and then their comparison will start. "you do this, and he can't even do that". "you're more blah blah blah than him". you know, i have everything 1 up compared to their current partner. some may be true, but i guess most are just biased since in a failing relationship, we are quick to notice only the bad stuff. so there. they're girls. you show them you care, you stay within proximity, they are gonna, and will "fall in love". infatuation maybe. or just the feeling of being " at home", with me. whatever you technically call the real feeling is, girls will call it "love". and you know what i'd do? you know what the asshole in me would do? i'd suddenly drop them. just like that. it is my kind of disorder. i just can't fucking help it. like, fuck, it was almost only about the chase. i'd treat 'em so bad, they're gonna be left broken looking for someone for fixing. i'd drop them so hard from so high up, they're gonna be running back to the longing arms of their partners. the real home they've been with for however long it's been. and always..always..it would fix them. not one single instance i can remember that it did not. they would later realize how much of a stupid ass i am that their failing relationship would look heaven to them. so in hindsight, i fixed them. and it works for those singles, too. they'd find someone way better. i'm the fucking selfish evil cupid who would mess you up first so i could push you to the direction of your happiness. so there..you're welcome.

===============================

i just sent this to one..thinking of sending it to all of them..maybe not..maybe not today.

Saturday, 26 November 2016

2006.09.06_66-untitled

back on the tower, i saw her
gliding down in her favorite gown

she held my hand and led to acres of heaven on earth
sweet ravishing bliss brought forth on rebirth
reality clock tolled, called to let us realize
summer hours were dying, running out fast!

what happens next when completion's not completed?

sincere contrition!
shattered wisdom!
obvious frustrations!

walked around in circles for the last time we guessed
took the long road on purpose to hide away our branded little kiss
jumped on a rope in irony, rather than put them 'round our necks
moonlight hit her eyes teary, so as her scorching lips!

now air's blowin torture misty wind
uttering her name, so soft, a gentle whisper, as if she's still beside me

the mystery in her quaffed the one in me
"and what do you think i came down here for?
to let you witness me rot alone? no!
if only i could injure your wings (just to make void of your flight)
if only i could bring back the roses of spring (just to restart new summer nights)
if only i could release all these screams (just to let you go in cardinal peace)
dark music echoed, rhymed in feast (scary knife playin the violin to tease)
i felt it in my chest
as you flew away..

2006.09.06_66

2006.08.31_65-untitled

on far seas she scatters herself
imprisonment lit a mind once dealt
lustrous eyes, burning white, still waters
precious mind somehow seemingly deranged though sane
on her shoulders..the winged pain

making confidants with different breeds
widespread smiles but still she bleeds
longing for her very own serenity
she wanted to reign over everyone's cruelty
tormented..witness the unfurling of her hatred!

upon her own forest-so-called home
where fleeing's long buried to be known
she has got to keep a soul
a soul which happens to be the one i own!

gesticulated by the tailed angels were the signs from her stars on her pedestal
heaven once fed on her palm, but heaven's not forever for her!

and she said,
"from that dawn that you bathed me with your curse..
and that night whereafter my outburst, i felt worse..
there i trembled, tryin to find my doors..
then i stumbled, nailed my knees on the floor
fresh tears rivered my face, then i started to crawl!
that's when mystery dressed me..
should i come back for you?!"

her heartbeat started to triple
a daughter of confusion between good and evil
her gloom died, dreaded my voice to say goodbye..
enthroned on my side, she climbed down from her sky
now she's entrusted with my life!

2006.08.31_65

===============================

her name was andrea..

love burn

a night alone
in a place i've never been before
so many strangers in sight
a blessed air to breathe tonight

i sat beside
a stranger i've seen in green
the night is young with air so thin
sweet dirty sweat touched our skin

crash and burn
while my hands barely touched yours
and my eyes chased yours..a tear, such a lovely moist
too shy to think that this night is ours
too afraid to hear a word from your mouth
and there we stayed together
your smiles spelled forever

this heart of mine
a safety companion
and i made you smile with no flowers at all

and as the night had gone cold
and both our names were told
and the looks were now sweet
and my feet got swept away
but your words are so pleasing
from your lips that looked so juicy
with your eyes that shined like jewelry
and as we walked on by
the night suddenly said goodbye
and you waved and smiled
and i almost died
and that's it..that was it..that was it..
that was it..that was it..the beginning..

2006.07.02_61_love burn

===============================

her name was kristoffersen..

sono felice

and my body seeped the coldness of the night
and my fingertips were clung on yours so tight

once again
you've started to slip away
so far..

two days is all i got left
to make a single step

and your smiles
and your eyes
and for your lips
i'd die

you are my only true love
i knew it when i touched your face last night

2006.06.01_60_sono felice

2006.04.25_53-untitled

shattered frozen tears
from thoughts of emptiness
of reality
ashes from fallen years
reluctant to reach my hands
for some comfort

(and) you still have those eyes
and your smile's like a blessing
these pieces seems like
and always seemed like
they'll never fit their own places

stop and watch our might
it took me two dreams at once just to hold you
what would victory look like
when it costs me two dreams at once just to (have you)

a million words have said
under my breath and still
counting
words you'll never hear
coz with your tired wings, you fly
while i'm still here

scream
screaming your absence
just to cover
the impossibility of your presence

...watch your might
it took me two dreams at once just to..

2006.04.25_53

===============================

a double-layered dream about me and barbie in a cabin..

quitter

riding in awe of silence
in search for vast opulence
with his tongue preparing to speak
those words that he practiced over and over again..

he had left the old to give way for the new
forcing life to bend to his favors, his wills,
his thoughts of everything..
left unnoticed were those stories by his mind
which turned his whole self-being into a compulsive liar
he now relies on his walls of denials..

he was glad to have gone that far,
which he later realized he was never really that far
his inconsistency was killing him
and underneath his breath were the truths he unfolds only unto him..

falling short in his so called "wisdom",
all eyes now on him
he untied the knot of his last and only possession
which were all washed away in seconds
and now he found himself immobile by his own falsewords..
his tears turned unworthy and like an enigma cloaked in secrecy said,
"enough of the lies! you're not makin' sense anymore!
never again deny! for it is yourself you now abhor!"
his game was finally over!
my game is now over!

2006.04.24_41_quitter

i won't kill you, i promise..

feels like i'm falling into an abyss of truth
that i am never gonna be with you

your hands are my only salvation
and i cannot believe every situation
i'm rushing down to you
as your door closes on me

and to my disappointment

you never even had tried to relieve
all these, my agonizing uncertainty
inevitably
knocking over my sanity

the fire in your eyes
in charge for your lies
i'm rushing down to you
as your tongue says, "it's over"
it's over!

i, miraculously had fallen back to sleep
from a dreamer's view
you're still within my arm's reach
now i castigate myself from letting everything vanish
nothing's left, except for  promise

a jolt of adrenaline was felt shooting
deep inside my deranged system
i should've never let it happen
i should've never let you come in
so now you're gone

2006.03.24_52_i won't kill you, i promise..

a vampire behind flames

eyes're united with spearheads
so sharp, they almost bled
it's the first time mine met yours
and it will never be over
never

i found you wounded inside
and death, it's your brightest insight
and you're wishing to be saved
blood-drained, you almost gave
it all up

but not to worry
i'm one of your kind
and you're one of mine

reflection
perfection
in a blink, each of us came to cleanse our sins
broken sighs
dark smiles
no worries cause (your / our) stars
are already on (your / our) skin

we're once put behind bars of danger
hands locked, together we conquered
a nightmare from your past is haunting you
they're not supposed to suck your blood
you are!

i was holding flames on my hands
and thought of burning with it forever
but then a silhouette emerged from behind it
it was your face, which now, my world

2005.10.09-10_31_a vampire behind flames

===============================

her name was melody..

i've been hit by a bell

your worth seemed to be bound
to fall down to the ground
which i am
so don't be afraid from them
for i am gonna catch you
always and again

what if the grudge you hold is me?
will you still keep on holding?
you flame on easily
then your glow keeps on burning (in me)

you swing your insides
a lot of times
it's all ok
never look down on you
coz if you are not pretty
then, noone is

i'm not telling you to trust me
but i'll tell you you'll make it through
you'll make it
we're gonna make it
(or maybe / together)
(you'll hate me / we'll hate them)
(then hate me more / we'll hate them all)

confidence is only illusion
it's all inside
it's all inside
it's all inside
you're so mean
i won't bother your dark half
you're so nice
(then) i'll come see for myself
(then) i'll come see for myself
let me come see for myself
let me come..

2005.09.03_28_i've been hit by a bell

===============================

her name was belle..

2005.06.09_21-untitled

you talked to me in an affronting manner
you confronted me with curses
an now you're apologizing
askin' permission to say sorry
i hate it..

you came up to me with tears
taunting me to my sleep
speakin' so soft yet so harsh
displeasingly lookin' at me
i hate it..

how can i forgive you if you won't let me?
i just cannot believe everything
your words are so unlike you
i hate it..

i saved you under the dark
then found you stabbing my back
no one should trust no one
for no one's not a liar..

never left a space for my soul
suffocation, 'til i hit the walls
and now you're apologizing
askin' permission to feel sorry
i hate it..

2005.06.09_21

tears are not enough

the fact of us apart
chokin' me to death so slow
tears are not enough
for me to let you know
that we're so distant
that i cannot reach survivals
shedding tears is no enough
to surprise me with your arrival

now the end is drawing near
i can already feel
that you're in my arms
but is the end of these
the end of us?

been spending my nights
lyin' under the stars' hands
tears are not enough
to purchase one of them
and give it to you
to grab away (your past memories / all jealousies)
coz my mind has been bottled up
with rotten insecurities

we once both cried
afraid of falling apart
but tears are not enough
to break destiny's heart
what we are in now
seems not the love we once knew
coz now our arguments take place
in such different point of view

now i want these to end
but i don't want us to end
i don't want us to end
no i don't

2005.05.07_13_tears are not enough

Krypto

itjrucsmtewiannktdtjoacslwetagritohaijnpgksdumpdbsejfmourgetenvjegrjymtghcijnagjiesmojvjeira.dpilmejaistemtlemlglamwetykokupdcipdnnj'jtofjejejltawntyptjhoijntgk.k

mga batang hamog

mga kapitbahay ko sa upper west taguig noong 2013.


si gulang
malaking bulas. kumbaga kung lahat kayo grade 3, sya mukang grade 6. dinadaan nya sa laki lahat ng laro. sya ang playing referee sa basketbol. pag sya ang mali, lalakihan lang nya boses nya, tama na sya. napakagulang nya.

si duwag.
sya yung pinakamatapang magumpisa ng away, matapang umasta, sya naman ang laging paiyak. laging pauwi. laging magsusumbong. medyo natuwa ako nung nabaril sya ng pellet gun sa mata.

si boy.
sya yung alanganin ang edad. nasa gitna ng dalawang era. hindi sya pwede bumarkada sa mga binata kasi malamang supot pa sya. kaya sa mga bata na lang sya sumasama. pero iba na trip nya. di na sya masyado nageenjoy sa laro. iba na rin boses nya.

si negrong ngiti.
sya yung kahit maghapon ng taya, masaya pa rin. kahit nagaaway na lahat, nakangiti pa rin. kumbaga walang personalan, laro lang tayo para masaya.

si bongod.
bongod ang tawag sakanya, hindi ko alam kung bakit.pinakamalakas mangasar. hindi napipikon. laging may pangsagot. pag wala na sya maisip, lagi nyang isasagot "eh bakla ka naman". tapos ang usapan. panalo sya. babatukan ka nya pag epal ka. lalabanan nya kahit sino. kahit si gulang. crush nya si sophia. kaso nafriendzone ata sya. aw.

si tanga.
mac pangalan nya. tatanga tanga sya. sa lahat ng laro, may part na hindi nya nagegets agad. mapamahiin sya sa laro. naniniwala sya sa pampamalas. tanga sya. lagi syang pinagtutulungan. siguro kasi tanga sya.

si drew.
pinakamaliit. pero sumasabay sa liksi. pang saling pusa lang yung size nya, pero ayaw nya ng saling pusa. pag nataya sya, gusto nya taya sya. maiiksi ang hakbang pero nagbublurred kasi mabilis.

si batak.
laging pasigaw magsalita. kahit nagtatanong lang. laging may baong isang baldeng mura. batak na batak lagi mga litid sa leeg. PUTANGINA MAGKANO BILI MO SA SHAKE?!

si jude at si jomari.
cool dudes. by the rules kung maglaro. pinagbibigyan yung maliliit. sumasagot pero di palaaway. kalmado lang. naaanalyze nila ng maayos kada laro kaya madalas di sila natataya.

si tahi.
may tahi sya sa kaliwang binti. nabalian siguro ng buto. hindi pantay tumakbo pero lagi pa rin kasali.

si boy hingi.
wag na wag ka magpapakita ng kahit anong kinakain o iniinom mo. hihingan ka nya. ayaw naman magpahiram ng roller blades. gusto nya pausuhin, kaso sya lang meron.

si loner.
minsan mo lang sya makita maglaro. magisa pa. paborito nya pulis pulisan. lagi syang parang may hinahanap na kriminal. laging may dalang baril. minsan tangkay ng kangkong. hindi sya sumasali sa laro ng iba. siguro strict ang parents nya.

si ate.
sya lang yung babaeng hindi nakikipaglaro sa ibang babaeng bata. gusto nya kaldagan na mga laro. hindi ko pa sya nakikitang may tsinelas. hindi ko pa rin sya nakikitang malinis.

si damot.
putangena sa damot. well trained ng 6 footer nyang tsonggong tatay. sya yung pinakamayan. may pinakamalaking bahay. sya yung may ari ng truck na nagagamit nila sa taguan. sya yung may bola. yung may ari ng basketbolan sa poste na hindi ka pwede maglaro pag di sya kasali. pag dalawa ang bola, ayaw nya ng may aagaw sa bola nya. napakadamot ng hinayupak. kumbaga, kung di lang sya may ari ng basketbolan, malamang tablado sya araw araw.

yung iba mga normal na bata lang. minsan madaya. madalas nagsasaya lang. minsan bagong ligo. madalas amoy araw kahit gabi.

Friday, 25 November 2016

TN 2006

"Hun! I'm in GA right now. Talk to you later. Call meeeeeeeeeeeee! Luv u XOXO", says Ms. Tennessee 2006.

His palms were sweating bad as he read the text message sent from the day side of the planet, pressing tightly on his beaten Nokia 3210 so the battery won't fall off. He knew if he called her for atleast 2 minutes, it would cost him his dinner. So he shrugged the guilt off and played the victim instead. And it was the exact moment he subconsciously gave up on something he knew he would never get back nor get the chance ever again. It was the sweetest month of his life, followed by a bitter decade.

Thursday, 24 November 2016

30 days of night


there's something ugly about the flawless
deployed telemetries rendered useless
let's not be wary of our insignificance
dear you, trust me, no one can see us

there's something flawless about the ugly
we can be careless of causality
burning bridges of back stories
abnormal levels of unpretentious reality

recognize the pattern
we go where we know
it's not like we're obliged
to wake up tomorrow

i'll let you see what i've seen
before the heavens burn bright
the first rupture of sunbeam
after 30 days of night

this hostility, it seems ethereal
this enormity, stills feels artificial
see how i see, feel how i feel
please drown with me as i run out of fuel

20160905-30 days of night

===============================

she was something..

bawat umaga

isang balikwas ang gumising sa ating nakaraan
panaginip na gumigilid sa lutang na isipan
pintig ay bumibilis na halos walang patlang
ngunit di na kasing tamis gaya ng nagdaan

isang tambak na litrato na ang binasura
tatlong sakong ala-ala saan na nga ba napunta?
kahon-kahong pag-ibig na isinantabi muna
balde-baldeng luha lumulunod sa mga mata

sa pagtayo nagpapanting aking mga taynga
alulong ng iyong tinig, takdang di nag-iisa
sa pagkibo ramdam ang yapak ng 'yong paa
guni-guni'y nagmumungkahing ika'y naririto pa

sa kabila ng suhestiyon ng gising na kamalayan
sa silid na nagkukulong ng lihim mong hakbang
nakagapos, nakapiit, di makayang alpasan
pighating tinitimpi, sunong ng katotohanan

20160822-bawat umaga

===============================

http://freedomofcontent.org/?p=187

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

the first chase

i know you're still sleeping
but your silence does not change
we leave in the morning
thought i'd be hopping on the wrong plane

it fucks up my comprehension
how you turn things in slow motion
but i could stare at you all night, all day
until everything fades

our beloved daytime
could end in a first bite
the lights're so bright
this shoreline's a perfect place
with you and me tonight

the sun set square on your back
didn't stop me from staring
i could tell myself this lie all i want
but who am i fooling?

i could give you a pinky promise
or please choose a stranger's kiss
i swear i'll chase you down, but i can't go
unless you want me to

2014.02.19_the first chase

===============================

her name was jane.

Tuesday, 22 November 2016

2011.12.25_11-16-untitled

this scene is exactly like
the dream i had last night
with your eyes of fire
starin' back at mine
please don't wake me up

don't speak so much of us
i might gain your trust
when it's so unlikely to
see just us two
please do not wake up

just please don't
just please don't

well this isn't makeshift
(i guess) i can tell
if you'd just spill it out
i promise i won't be scared

love, it might not be the word
or maybe it is, it just sound absurd
but what the hell

just don't dream so much
it might lead you somewhere else
for it doesn't get more real
this is what i'm supposed to feel
let us not wake up

2011.12.25_11-16

===============================

and so this is christmas..and what have you done.

merry

one last drink on your last bottle
then we are out of here
one last sip, then i'm a goner
i will not be takin' it
i will not be takin' it

ooohhh..

i could never say
things got out of hand
to-ing and fro-ing ang kissing
maybe it went a little out of hand

when you told me what you wanted
well i want it, too, then, but
will you still love me in the morning
while your brassiere is still missing?

one last kiss goodnight
the cab's waiting for that last bite
your hands slipped, then you're a goner
but i will mock the stars tonight
i will mock the stars tonight

i could never say
things got out of hand
to-ing and fro-ing ang kissing
well it did go a little out of hand

may so, maybe not
maybe never again, but
we got it pretty
we had it pretty short-lived
i had you, pretty
and it was awesome, i admit

2014.02.19_merry

===============================
and so this is christmas..and what have you done.  (part 2)

Sunday, 20 November 2016

cape canaveral

"This is Cape Canaveral. The tower is clear."

"She's all yours Houston."

Saturday, 19 November 2016

2011.11.28_11-15-untitled

it's been a month too long
and i still think what i did was wrong
i've been indirectly asking for forgiveness
coz i know she wouldn't understand
she'd never understand..

each spin of this world
bends waters and cracks floors
but nothing ever really ended it
when would i say "that's it."?
when should i?

it's getting cold
i have no one to hold
i have nothing to hold
onto..

(i always think / i'd always wish)
you'd go (looking for me / running to me)
like i do and never stopped
(and i won't / please don't) go any farther
this is far enough
this has been far enough

it's just amazing
remembering to fall in between
those few words that slipped through the awkwardness
probably less than a hundred
more than enough..

and in my dream, i saw us two
and she said "the rain's not gonna stop just for you"
and i told her "i'm not even asking for it to"
and i told me "i'm not even asking for it to"

2011.11.28_11-15

===============================

her name was kath

construct/destruct

it began with that extra step forward i took
long before, i thought it was impossible
though i've always wanted to end on such incidents
then it grew large inside this small box
and what was led by one thing led into another
like a quotidian fever, it kept on coming
scenario by scenario, i managed to seize everything and everyone..in my hands..firm..

then it all broke
the shattering pieces can be heard from where i stood
the pain was silent but consumed more than i could
now i scare myself to death
fearing my own threat
fearing myself to destruct

it seems like i deserve everything from start until the end
i craved for it and worked hard to stand where i am now
but what it took me years to dream and build just collapsed in a gesture of my own hands
it was so fine, though imperfect
with this power that i hold, i conquered
then it all broke

i was once told that every power comes with a price
that sometimes it may not look like a power at all
on the contrary, a curse..

2006.11.03_69_construct destruct

2006.11.06_70-untitled

you never gave my phone a ring
after some things started to change everything
i guess i'm dealing with the consequences
and things will never be the same again

i knew it, i knew it
but just for the record
i didn't do it, i didn't
we did..

what we've done is done
we can never go back to that very second
that we've crossed the border
until we were down for the count

a misfortune in disguise
wakin' up with shut closed eyes
feelin' my lips gently touching yours
arms clasped, making things worse
and with the intervention of the night
our lips made their first bite
and now that everything's gone and changed
i guess no one should be blamed
i didn't do it, i didn't
we did..

2006.11.06_70

===============================

lost for words with this one. i remember exactly how it happened.

2006.11.21_71-untitled

an aphrodisiac in a fairy gown
from her pedestal home, she stepped way down
to play, to tease, to teach, to twitch
then to wash hands from her being whore-ible bitch
she came to me
she came to me

burnin' soul behind that angelic face
she made me step in her own endless maze
evading my flame but catching every thought
refraining from what i showed and what i really ought
i thought i lost
i thought i lost

she never failed to make me come

now under this moonlight i pray
(for my tarot to change / coz my tarot just changed) what they say
above unto her she (shall scream / screamed) in agony
in pleasure
in mystery
in wonder how her tongue clasped mine
spent (done)

the porcelain that covers her were uncovered to leash and release every desire
been longing to tear free, and strayed
"oh! breeze! whirling above me! do what you want! what you think is necessary!
what you think is sacred for you and me!"
with her belligerence in full swing, we came together!
lying flat on my back i told her
"lie here by my side! let's keep coming throughout the night!"

"you think giving you a carnal rite is wrong?
then why would you strike me with such infinite lust?
why did you let me suffer,
then let me see what you know i must?"
it's going to be done..
it's going to be done..

2006.11.21_71

Friday, 18 November 2016

2006.11.27_72-untitled

for as long as you're coming here
you are so killing me
with the fact that i'd do anything
with the fact that i can't do nothing
with the facts <fucks> in my mind
stirring to try to conquer yours

from the colors that i can see
and faces you've shown me
i can feel you want me, too
i can't feel you want me, too
i..cunt..feel me in you!
trick me into your world

just lie (to / with) me
and tell me there's nothing to worry
and tell me nothing can separate us
no, nothing
unless i wake up..(without you)

with my delusions in the ether
intertwining with the emancipation of the flames inside me
that'd gone out of my control since you came
let me feel <fill> you
your luminescence that gathered myself back together..

2006.11.27_72

elusion snippet

be with me in this flight
so you could bury me in the sky
coz i know i don't belong anywhere here

2014.03.11_elusion

Thursday, 17 November 2016

dial 2-0-0-sex

"Hello? I'm looking for Michelle."

"Hi, this is Michelle speaking."

"Hi! I'm not sure if you remember me. This is Tom."

"Tom? Tom from college?"

"Yes."

"Tom! Hi Tom, how are you?"

"Great. Anyway, we had phone sex 10 years ago. I'd like to follow up on that."

"What?!"

Wednesday, 16 November 2016

waking hour

it was the perfect timing.
or so i thought.
you implied i made you realize you should be happy.
and not feel alone.
and go some place safe.
where nobody could hurt you.
where nobody knows you.
but me.
with me.
you said i was different.
i tried to accept the thought.
i tried to cover up the obvious.
you said you were different.
you said we are descendants of the same species.
yes. you were different.
but i am not.
you kept doing things i didn't quite understand.
and i think i would never understand.
i was thinking of asking you.
how do you do it?
but no.
i just asked that to myself.
how do you do it?
i really don't get it.
and i kept asking that for quite some time.
i'm still asking the same question to this day.
but i think i get it now.
i don't get it.
yes, you were right.
you were different.
different from the crowd.
but you are not the only one.
yes.
you heard it right.
you are just one of them.
no difference at all.
i know you.
i know your kind.
not that i didn't see it coming.
because i did.
i was not blindsided.
but i just did not pay much attention.
i knew it was coming right at me.
but i did not give a damn.
so here i am.
still the same broken piece of shard left from the numerous explosions.
never fixed.
never will be.
the funny thing is that.
i am feeling like i lost it.
but this lone feeling constantly makes me realize i did not.
i never had it in the first place.
i felt floating there for a moment.
but then it was just in my head.
it is the reality.
it is my reality.
my feet are still ground bound.
the most frustrating part is.
your hands looked exactly like the one i'd hold forever.
but something kept on telling me i am not designed for forever.
and i'm pretty sure you aren't as well.
i really thought it would work.
i wanted to.
but you clearly said you didn't.
i made valiant actions.
and you were just being yourself the whole time.
you said you weren't complaining.
and that i should not.
and just keep things the way they were.
i became ready.
as your escape.
but you started hoisting me down the spiral.
i felt like a tornado of water going down the drain.
useless.
you are good.
you got game.
i tried to fight back.
but my resistance was futile.
i have issues.
yes.
but clearly you do too.
i want to think you slipped away, out of my arms.
make it sound more like a greek novel.
but clearly, it wasn't what happened.
that is something i could never answer.
what really happened.
i knew it.
you are just another verse on this long journal.
another verse i didn't finish.
another part i won't forget for a long time.
another part i will always go back to.
another part i could never stop looking back to.
i didn't stop.
you did.
you see.
the sky was blue.
it still is.
but not for long.
not for long.


2013.10.22_waking hour

bless

she dared step into my mind
though to dare is to understand
but all the words spoken
and all the facts dealt with
now spiraling down the drain
threatening to leave

she slept in the arms of the question
into the embrace of the skeptic
but all the worlds spoken
and all the possibilities
have stepped out of the realm
of the existent territory

then was the time
but then is not the now
why was in disregard
but why was not the how

liberated
perplexity was my lullaby
deliberated
uncertainty was my kiss of goodbye

she held hands with the cosmos
and as if she snared its vastness
but through all the perfections
and all the spellbinding
belief is again enthralled
by the certain doubting

the tears have yet to drench me
the sheets have yet to drown me
but them seem being attracted
by the most intricate

i never saw myself stepped on such hostile ground
i tried and stood firm but then she was gone
i couldn't find her anywhere
i couldn't even in the most intimate fire
i thought i'd see the glam of her hand when i look up at night
but no, it wasn't there, she wasn't there at all
she wasn't there in the first place


2013.09.30_bless

Tuesday, 15 November 2016

2006.10.08-unfinished


and as you drown me with the memories of your eyes
through the water that leads me to endless seas and skies
i should've came right at you to prove myself you're real
mind blowin smile that tears me like a blade
lips trailed a mind to invade

lustrous lust shining like gold
ignites the embrace of those words untold
i should've stabbed destiny straight to the chest
to freeze the time instead, rather than let it crash
(into nothingness..forever faded in my hands!)

===============================

 wrote this in Batangas port while waiting to board for Mindoro. fun times.

ecuador

"mam! mam! mam!"

oh Junar.

"Ecuador!"

Anong tanong?

"Ecuador!"

Anong sagot?

"Ecuador!"

Sunday, 13 November 2016

her name was wendy

it was just a dream..it was just a dream..

===============================

20161129-0231H

these are the few things i still remember about that dream. first thing i remember was i was with a girl in this hotel lobby with a fountain in it. she was sitting on the ledge of the fountain, fixing my hair while i sat on the floor. then we walked in.

next thing was that we were in this family gathering, supposedly mine, of course with food and stuff. and i was introducing her to everybody around. cousins, uncles and aunts, but specially to my grandma. but it was almost like everything was on mute, like those memory scenes in films. then we were out in the parking lot waiting for my cousin's jeepney. when he arrived, i immediately asked for a cigar and he handed me one. i remember there were bicycles and skateboards around. and in the dream, i had this sudden flashback of what has just happened. specifically when i introduced her to my grandma. and there, it was revealed. her name was wendy.

we do not have a manager

one thing i always look for in every organization i've been with is the leadership team. how long they've been there, how they've managed to stay that long, and what they've done to keep it together. i don't look for big acts, no. they have their big names on the top of the organizational chart that shows they're supposed to do those. i look for small acts. little things that shows their true form. so little that it's almost unnoticeable, but it sets them apart from the others.

recently, we had an organizational restructure which resulted on the change of management. last night, we held a team building activity to somehow officially get to know who we're working with. also last night, i witnessed something that i just do not, for a second, think would happen with the previous management. simple story was, we had lechón which everybody loves, but apparently we didn't have a knife big enough for chopping. i learned about it when i noticed our new manager trying to cut into it using a pocket knife. it was sharp enough but just wasn't big enough. my first instinct was to somehow help out. i approached the guy guarding the place and asked where i could borrow a chopping knife and he directed me to the resto just across the street. i went and asked the waiter if i could borrow a knife just for a couple of minutes and i was even willing to rent it out. but he said they're not allowed and that they had cctv and that they might get in trouble with their management, which was understandable, so i did not insist. i came back to our event place and i saw our manager still at it. still digging through the spine of that delicious lifeless animal trying to get everybody to have a bite. now here's the thing. of the dozens of people in there, he holds the highest position, which means he could've easily asked someone to do it. and no, he didn't even have to say a word. he just needed to stare at a guy, any guy really, show him the knife and point at the lechón and he could sit there, wait for it, have the guy wash the knife while having a beer for himself. but no. he fucking did it himself..with a pocket knife. this guy have been with the organization for quite some time but have only logged a couple of months with our group. and i was staring at him for about a minute and thought to myself, "now this guy..this guy ain't no manager..this guy is a leader". and no, i don't think he was trying to impress us, he couldn't have. he did not need to. he does not need to. i think he was just being himself. it was the real him. the i'm-at-home-with-my-family-on-my-shorts-and-slippers personality. that act was so small and so huge at the same time. we do not have a manager. we have a leader. i think we're good.

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

he estado intentandolo todo el tiempo

so on what point of this should we ever resume?
are you thinking, after 365 moons?
i know you're not, and i ain't either
but all what's left are fires that burn us weaker

you might say i'm turning my back
you might think i'm savin myself, no.
for i once saw the answer for our when's and where's
and believe me, i was there

all the screws are way loose
while we stand naked
things were never ugly
and will never be
but if you would look at my coffin closer
you'd notice that last nail on the corner

if you can still remember
the last of the lasts of us
i was near unconscious (we all were)
felt i was with thee (or was i?)
i don't know about you, but it was stellar for me

so i'm saying this gun is for you
but the bullets are for me
yes, you heard it right
i've been trying all my time
all my time

2010.08.04_10-06_he estado intentandolo todo el tiempo

===============================

lmv

ssdd

risen reasons
to halt the end of me
free son's prison
i'm my own enemy

this ain't sporadic
this is catastrophic
they say i'm catatonic
i say just ignore me(k)

notice. know this
the world is not cruel
know this. notice
so real sounds like surreal

i'm tryin' to cure me
but i'm not here
you're not here
these aren't real

sleep. escape.
eightfolds of a hit for six
accept except
i'm down-and-out for weeks

wrong place
wrong time
everytime
tale of 20-09
tail of 20-09

2010.07.28_10-04_ssdd

===============================

ignore me(k)..get it?

no more

so in these last days of me
before forever darkness bites
hopin' you're the last that i see
you, my only aperture of light

forever in this side is not real
i never believed in it anyway
but at this moment, still..
i'm wishing you'd be with me all the way

there won't be no more Summer
no more Autumn
there won't be no more..no more..

i've never sold myself this short
this is where everything goes to waste
this is the hardest so far
this is me in pitch black haze

i give up
i'm sorry
i quit
as always

i thought no one could say how's this is gonna end..
well, i guess i can..
watch.

2009.12.10_6

===============================

gutsy words..ungutsy actions..

18th she said..

so as my timer hits the 14th hour
i'm still stretchin' out my point of power
to replenish my vague memories
of these fragments of my demise
no one could ever construe
this dream i had, 'twas you..

remove the element of time
cause this wait won't be ending too soon
when could i ever cross the line?
when would i ever prove me wrong?

and so for the last 14 hours
i'm still stretchin' out my point of power
to reconstruct what felt so real
left with these fragments to rebuild
though still strewn
this dream i had
it was you..

illusory, delusory
but why was my logic glad of the action?
ill and sorry..a fallacy
my idle reasoning didn't negate the situation
thank you for the visit..

2009.02.27_1_18th she said..

===============================

had a dream about her the night before writing this. we were on a jeepney and having small talk and she started saying "18", "18"..and she kept on repeating that, almost like a broken film stuck on that moment.

2008.04.23_13-untitled

"it would mean more if you pair the numbers five and nine!"

is it too late to make anything?
fourteen has long been larger than thirteen
once, i trespassed through your gates and your doors
through your world i collapsed with noble murmurs

"to make love in a dream is to make love with the dead"
she did not shiver in her own snowfall it seemed
the nail for her coffin is still in my hand

as she dance in trance
all else outside her ensemble writhe!
to prove she had not lost her (touch / watch)

them footsteps that couldn't be followed as is
blank discussions of eyes, weren't aware of me
i seek victory through hell's permission
denude this porcelain! this aristocrat patrician!

fate in between mine
and her skin of pearl
and that same grin
malignant to my kin
and of all beggings, all she's extended
was rue to repent, then water and thirst
then death and rebirth, then pain and hurt
then ease, denise!
denise, then ease!

2008.04.23_13

2008.02.28_12-untitled

she was there
gliding down with the air
and when her feet touched the ground
she's my fairy in her gown

scythed from a few deities
a sibling of snow
an embrace that could give more pleasure
than death could alone

to my surprise i met
a delightful gift of thine hips
i couldn't help the greed
the carrion of my lips
a foreplay to conscious the myth of those eyes i maliciously stared

a close encounter with thee
might unite lust and divinity
a gemini gravid with cancer
most glorious nightmare ever
so, to the highest kingdom i plead
for her to reappear in my dreams

a battle once won
same battle now lost
for everyone's destined to fall
my year, so as her season
proving stars do fall
even deities lose their gold
when the bell started to toll
even fairies grew old
but the last one clasped tight of her pixie stick, never to wave goodbye

a close encounter with thee
might unite lust and divinity
a gemini gravid with cancer
most glorious nightmare ever
so i plead to the highest kingdom
to this moment, let us be damned

her tears were there for her to drown
but amidst the ruin she postured proud
whispered soft with still freezing breath
"there's always life after every death.."

2008.02.28_12


===============================


for denise..i'm sure..

2008.02.27_11-untitled

everything's lost
everything's bargained
severed hands, cover them ears
(try not to listen)

every fight's lost
a failed dream seeker
try not to cope with reality
(sleep deep)

reminisce the time, your time of reign
grasp the picture, of thunder and rain
go back to basics, breathe
and live, and start (again / a new reign)

when things turned out the same
and nothing seem to ever change (again)
when you're still a failure
come to me, come with me..

your friend's someone else's now
but you're never alone somehow
when fallen faith turned fate
i am here
come, let us discover hate..

try not to listen
sleep deep
new reign is comin'
new souls to keep

leave your stand
be in another dimension
when the beatings exceeded
what your mind once mentioned

2008.02.27_11

===============================

for denise..i guess..

Tuesday, 1 November 2016

THE BATANGAS DISASTER

magkukuwento lang ako ng konti tungkol sa nangyari noong sabado, Hulyo 20 (2013). kami nila sir Chris TANGGE, sir NORMAN, at sir CRIS ay pupunta sa LOBO, BATANGAS para sunduin ang 2nd hand na motor na binili ni Cris, Honda XR. hindi ko pwedeng dalhin ang motor kong Honda Wave 100R dahil on process pa ang rehistro ko at ako ang magmamaneho pabalik sa maynila ng motor ni sir Norman dahil student permit pa lang ang lisensya ni Cris. umalis kami 4:20 ng umaga galing sa PhilCom bldg. angkas si Cris kay sir Norman sa Yamaha Crypton at angkas ako kay sir Chris sa MCX Renegade. Dirt Bike. mataas. manipis ang upuan. masakit sa tumbong. after 10Km ng pagbyahe, naalala ko wala akong dalang lisensya. iniiwan ko kasi yun sa Ubox ko, solusyon ko yun sa pagiging makakalimutin ko, since wala naman akong ibang sasakyang minamaneho. no other choice, binalikan namin. nagaksaya na kami ng 20Km, umpisa pa lang ng araw.

Sir Chris: ang layo na natin
Sir Norman: no choice tayo sir
gusto kong sabihin: sorry

fast forward, nakaakyat na kami ng tagaytay, nagsalin ng gasolina, kumain sa jollibee. nagbadya ang ulan pero hindi naman tumuloy. pero may dala pa rin kaming kapote.

bago bumaba, may pumapara samin:
manong: boat ride sir! boat ride!
sir Chris: tangena, muka ba kaming magbo-boat ride?

pababa ng tagaytay, daan kaming laurel. talisay din ata. taal. zigzag. may mga paunti-unting kasalubong. moist ang kalye. bundok eh. natuwa ako sa brgy. buso-buso kahit walang namang nabosohan. at natuwa kami kay GARDO. ang lalaking naka-brip na itim at namamangka sa taal lake, patayong nagsasagwan. pang-romansa. mahirap ang daan may maputik. may mabato. akyat. baba. zigzag. yung iba nga hindi pa daan, ginagawa pa lang daan. sabi ng signage: sorry for the inconvinience, road under construction. pero ang naka-drawing lagare at martilyo. wala kahit pala lang. sabi ni sir Chris, ang aga-aga, nagpepenitensya tayo agad. ang bagal ng takbo namin. nagpahinga kami, nagtext si Cris sa bahay nila para maipaalalang parating kami. hindi kami aabot sa expected na time frame namin. sa oras na nagugol na namin, hindi na kakasya ang maghapon kung susunduin pa namin sa bahay nila yung motor, kasi aakyat pa ng bundok yun mula sa mismong bayan ng Lobo. tatawid pa ng ilog. so nagdecide kami na ipakisuyo na lang ni Cris na ibaba na yung motor sa bayan, at maghihintay na lang kami habang nagtatampisaw sa dagat.

ang sakit na ng tumbong ko.

sibat ulit. nagtanong kami ng daan papuntang lemery kasi sa batangas city kami dadaan. na hindi naman pala dadaanan ang kabayanan na lemery.

kami: boss, san papuntang lemery?
manong sa auto shop: lemery? ganare. yang pakaliwang yaan, dire-diretsuhin nyo laang, may madadaanan kayong tubuhan, diretso pa, may makikita kayong simbahan. tapos kakaliwa kayo, sulpot nyo ay tulay. diretso lang tapos pakanan. madadaanan nyo yung tawilisan. (ETO MALUPIT) pero kung gusto nyo, dini na laang kayo sa kabila, dire-diretso laang. yung tulay din ang sulpot nyo. hindi pa kayo malilito.
Sir Chris: pero mas malayo?
manong sa auto shop: hinde! ganun din laang.

tawa kami ni Sir Chris pagmaneobra.

gusto ko sanang sabihin: langya ka, pakahirap ka pa magpaliwanag, may madaling daan pala. pwede nga ituro mo na lang yung kalye, sumenyas ka na lang ng padiretso. hindi mo na kelangan magsalita.

pero naintindihan ko sya. baka sabik lang sa kausap. mahirap marating lugar nila. kalbaryo.

nakarating na kami sa batangas city. tapos Lobo na (ata).

ang sakit na ng tumbong ko.

sa bayan ng Lobo. malapit na kami. bayan. si Cris lang ang may alam ng daan.

Cris: kanan
Sir Norman: kanan
sir Chris: saan daw
ako: kanan

at kumanan kami. BLAG!!!

SEMPLANG! bumabanking kami sa zigzag kahit may kasalubong na truck. ni hindi kami na-overshoot kahit minsan. dumaan kami sa madulas na putikan. sa tulay na may lumot. sa mabatong road construction site. hindi kami natinag. sa simpleng pagkanan na DIYES ang takbo, sumemplang kami ni sir Chris.

manang: eeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh!

saglit lang ang pangyayari, pero kitang kita ko kung pano kami bumagsak. nag-slomo sa tingin ko. dadamba sana ako palayo para hindi ako madaganan ng motor, pero nakasalampak na agad si sir Chris, kasi mas mababa foot rest nya kesa sa angkas. sabi ni Sir Norman, muka daw kaming nagbroke back mountain kasi nakadamba ako sa likod ni sir Chris. hindi naman siguro broke back mountain kasi hindi na tumitigas etits ko nun kasi naging piyaya na yung bayag ko sa pagkakaipit sa upuan ng limang oras. pagbagsak pa lang, kita ko na na butas yung pantalon ko sa bandang tuhod at naramdaman ko agad na mainit. sabi ko may tama ako. tumihaya ako, nakahiga sa basang kalye. ginagalaw galaw ko yung tuhod ko, pinapakiramdaman kung may bali. wala. ayos. di ako nakatayo agad. nakadagan sa kanang paa ko yung motor. hinila ko. nakasabit. wasak si chuck taylor, labas ang medyas. di pa ring tumatayo si sir Chris. tanggal ang helmet. di naka-lock eh. walang tama helmet ko. sa kanya ako bumagsak eh. tumayo
 ako. sinilip ko yung butas sa pantalon. dugo. mahaba.

manong: nasaktan tong isa!
isa pang manong: okay ka lang?

di ako nagsasalita. syempre hindi ako okay! sumemplang ako. may sugat ako. nabutas ang paborito kong pantalon. (paborito ko kasi yun lang ang pantalon kong hindi sumasabit sa foot rest ng motor. kaya nga yun sinuot ko kasi maglolong-drive ako.) ang tamang tanong dyan: ANO? KAYA PA?

Cris: okay na yan, nakakapagyosi na nga eh.

hindi ako nagsasalita. hindi nya alam, kaya ako nagsindi eh dahil unti-unti nang nawawala yung init na naramdaman ko nung pagbagsak at napapalitan ng sakit.

KAYA PA.

tumayo si sir Chris. sakay ulit. malapit na. pagdating namin sa bahay, habang tinatawagan ni Cris ang contact nya sa status ng motor na pababa ng bundok, naghubo ako. sinilip ko yung tuhod ko. dalawa ang butas ng pantalon ko. pero tatlo ang sugat. small, medium, at long. yung small at medium, parang skin burn lang. pero yung long, mahaba. 1.5in. mukang gumasgas sa bato nung punit na yung pantalon kasi malalim. yung kay sir Chris, isang butas sa pantalon, isang sugat na kasinliit nung small ko. pero malala. di sya makalakad ng maayos. yung tama ko kasi, slide. yung kanya, impact. nabugbog siguro knee cap. sabi ko pa-x-ray sya. di ko na ramdam sakit ng tumbong ko. may mas masakit na.

nagpaluto si Cris ng pagkain dun sa tao sa bahay. kapatid ata yun ng ninang ng kapatid nya. pumunta na kami sa dagat. sakto rin, kaya din ako sumama, para mailubog sa dagat yung tattoo ko na malapit na gumaling. mahapdi ang sugat sa tuhod. kwentuhan ng konti. tawa ng marami. nakaupo sa mababaw na parte, kasi hindi ako marunong lumangoy. natabig ko lulod ko. mahapdi. may tama din. medyo mahaba. nadaganan kasi ng motor.

sirr Norman: quarter (to 12) na. tara na.

umahon na kami. pagsuot ko ng tsinelas, mahapdi. lintek, may tama rin paa ko. kaya pala lumabas sa chuck taylor. bumalik na kami sa bahay. luto na ang pagkain. fried shiken. maalaat na itlog, parang mga itlog namin galing sa dagat. at patola soup. panalo. naligo muna. bago kumain, bad news. wala daw magbababa ng motor galing sa bundok. nasa kasalan. kain muna bago magdecide. sabi ni Cris, paiwan na lang daw sya. kaming tatlo na lang babalik sa maynila. iniisip ko, aangkas na naman ako. namis-align yung manibela ni sir Chris. masakit na katawan namin pareho. may sugat kami pareho. AT ANG SAKIT NA NG TUMBONG KO! nagkukwenta kami ng oras. dapat kasi bago magdilim, dapat at least nasa tagaytay na kami.

option 1: iwan si Cris. sabi ko kay sir Chris, pag ganun, hatid na lang nila ako sa batangas city. magcocommute na lang ako. ayoko na umangkas. kumbaga enough tumbong beating for the day.
option 2: ihahatid namin si Cris sa batangas city, kukunin nya mag-isa yung motor, commute sya pabundok. maghihintay na lang kami sa siyudad. pero matatagal. ang estimated time, 4pm sya makakarating sa kanila. bababa pa. negatib.
option 3; aakyat si Cris at sir Norman magkaangkas. maghihintay kami ni sir Chris sa bahay. pero nagaalangan si sir norman kasi tatawid ng ilog. tsaka baka mahirap ang daan.
so nagtanong na kami kay manong dun sa bahay.

manong: saglit lang yun, mga 30 mins lang. tsaka mababaw yung ilog, akayin mo na lang. itayo mo yang motor mo. (itinayo ni sir Norman) mataas yan, kayang kaya yan.
kuya: yung sakin nga mio, kaya eh.

30 mins. times 2. isang oras. so mahaba na ang isa't kalahati. game. option 3! umalis sila ala-una. dapat 2 - 2:30 nakabalik na sila. ok.

tambay kami ni sir Chris. kwentuhan. tawa. alas-dos. wala pang balita. unreachable mga selpon. kwento pa. tawa pa. tsismis na rin. kung 10Km yun (10Km daw eh) at diyes ang takbo nila (kasi baka mahirap daan) isang oras ang byahe. dalawa balikan. kalahating oras pa. wala pa. may tumambay na nakipagkwentuhan dun sa nagpakain samin. galing daw sila dun kagabi. puro puti daw suot nila. pagdating daw sa bundok, puro putiK na. nabahura (nabalaho / na-stuck)  daw kasi sila sa putik. tinginan na lang kami ni sir Chris.

ako: pero kagabi yun. mainit naman kanina. baka natuyo na yung putik.

alas tres. negatib.

ako: eto na ang umpisa ng totoong paghihintay.
sir Chris: hindi naman natin alam kung san natin pupuntahan.
ako: pag mga 5:30 na sir, magtanong-tanong na tayo pano pumunta dun. baka kung ano na nangyari.

lampas na sa alotted time. aabutan na kami ng dilim. mga 3:15. natawagan si Cris.

ako: balita? san na kayo?
Cris: pababa na.
ako: bumababa na o pababa pa lang?
Cris: nakababa na.
ako: malayo pa ba?
Cris: malapit na.
ako: matagal pa ba?
Cris: toot toot toot
sir Chris: san na daw?
ako: malapit na daw eh.
tahimik.
ako: baka malapit na sa unang pahingahan.
sir Chris: bihis na tayo para sibat agad pagdating nila.
ako: tara.

3:30. wala pa ah.kwento ulit. tawa ulit. 3:45. wala pa rin. gagabihin na kami. alas-kwatro. ayan na. tatlong oras! sabi ni sir Norman, mahirap daw daan. tsaka 15Km pala. sya nagtawid ng dalawang motor sa ilog kasi chicks daw ang itinawid ni Cris. tsaka di pa gamay ni Cris yung motor, semplang dalawang beses. wala namang tama. umaalog na gulong ni sir Norman. parehas. nag-adjust pa kasi bumaba daw menor. ako magdadala, baka mamatayan ako sa daan, diko alam gagawin. ligpit gamit. sabi ko sana hindi magamit ang mga kapote namin. bihis sila. sibat na. dadaan pa sa batangas city para kunin yung deed of sale ng motor. dumaan pa kami sa auto shop, binilhan ng side mirror yung XR. pa-gas. byahe. lakas ng motor ni sir Norman. kamot hanggang kwarta. zigzag. paakyat. overshoot ako isang beses, buti malayo pa yung jeep na kasalubong. ok lang. diretso. birit. ayos. masaya na lahat. naghahabol lang sa oras. SM batangas. tinatawagan  yung kukunan ng deed of sale. di matawagan.

Cris: dito lang kasi malapit nakatira yun, kaso diko alam address.
sir Norman: wala ka bang ibang number?
Cris: wala eh.
ako: ano  ba, patay o wala signal?
sir Norman: unreachable eh.

walang signal.

ako: alam ba na may usapan kayo ngayon?
Cris; oo, tinawagan ko kahapon.
sir Chris: tinawagan mo ba kanina?
Cris: tinext ko kanina.
sir Chris: nagreply ba?
Cris: hinde.
gusto ko sanang sabihin: DISGRASYA!
Cris: mahirap isapalaran to sir, baka macheck-point tayo, wala akong papeles. kayo na lang lumuwas. iwan ko na lang to sa tyahin ko.

no other choice. gumagabi na. kahit wala sa kondisyon dalawang motor at tatlong tao. pagod at may tama kami ni sir Chris. si sir Norman namundok pa. pero wala na. balik sa option 1.hinatid namin si Cris sa kantuhan papunta sa tyahin nya. review kami ng mapa, hindi namin kabisado kasi ibang ruta na dadaanan namin. hindi na kami dadaan dun sa bundok ng kalbaryo. KAHIT KAILAN. sa tanauan na kami aakyat ng tagaytay. alam ko ang daan mula sa crossing-lipa-malvar-tanauan kaya walang problema, kasi alam din naman nila. hehe. yung paakyat ng tagaytay galing tanauan ang hindi sigurado si sir Chris. sige! banat! takbo kami. iwan si Cris. si sir Norman na ang pinaangkas ko kay sir Chris. di pa kami nakakalayo, umulan. malakas. when it rains, it pours nga eh. pero ito, literal. hinto kami sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga. madilim na. mabilisang nagkapote. gusto ko pa sanang magbihis ng short at racing tsinelas na may tatak na SO CLEAN, SO GOOD sa strap na bigay ni Van Helsing (hindi tunay na pangalan) pero hindi na nangyari. nagmamadali. at delikado rin ang racing tsinelas. suklot lang ang kapote ko. walang pantalon. takbo! basa ang tuhod pababa, tumutulo ang sirang chuck taylor. wala akong makita sa visor. binuksan ko. tinatamaan din ng ulan salamin ko. wala ding makita. binusinahan ko sila. tumabi ako para magtanggal ng salamin. itinabi ko. maputik. may umaagos na tubig. lintek malalim pala! shoot ako sa butas. muntik pako sumemplang, buti na lang magaan motor ni sir Norman. sibat ulit. hindi pala nila ako napansin tumabi. wala na sila. buti hinintay ako sa kantuhan. malabo pa rin tingin ko. nauulanan mata ko. bahala na. diko kita kalye. asa na lang sa tail light ni sir Chris. di na ko nangahas umovertake sakanila. wala sa kondisyon motor at driver. isa pa, wala akong makita sa side mirror. hindi ako bibili ng ganun sir Norman! nakaraos naman. maiksi lang yung tinakbo namin na may ulan. pagpasok namin sa lipa, para kaming mga tanga. nakakapote walang ulan. mabagal takbo namin. mabagal si sir Chris. bumubuntot lang ako. umuovertake ako pag alanganin, pero pinauuna ko ulit sila. kwarenta lang. maswerte na sa 30seconds sa singkwenta. wala naman ulan. pero naintindihan ko si sir Chris. pagod. may tama. masakit katawan. pare-parehas lang kami, malala lang sya ng konti kasi nabawasan yung motor function ng tuhod nya. pero yung sakin, lumalala na rin yung sakit. tsaka sa trauma ng tumbong ko sa pag-angkas ko kay sir Chris, kahit malapad upuan ng motor ni sir Norman, masakit na rin. malvar. tanauan. kumaliwa na kami dun sa may star tollway. andun yung service road paakyat ng tagaytay. madilim. makitid ang daan. kumbaga, hindi pwedeng magsalubong ang dalawang medyo mabilis na kotse. alanganin. palusong. konting zigzag. iba na pakiramdam ko.nagmamalfuncton na utak ko. sa pagod din siguro at sakit ng katawan. at tumbong. may nakikita na akong wala naman talaga. sabi ko sa sarili ko, focus muna. pag paakyat na, makikipagpalit na ko kay sir Norman. baka kung ano pa mangyari sakin. sori na lang sa tumbong ko. crossroad. pakaliwa. pakanan. hinto kami. walang signage. pinarada ko. may naaninag akong tao. hinintay kong lumapit. nagtanong si sir Norman.

sir Norman: sir, paakyat kami ng tagaytay, may daanan ba dito?
manong: nako! dun sa kabila!

putangina! patong patong na kamalasan. mali liko namin, so babalik kami sa highway.

sir Norman: ano pato, ok ka lang dyan?
ako: palit tayo sir. di na ko makafocus.
sir Norman: napapapikit ka na ba?
ako: hindi, may mga kakaiba na akong nakikita.
sir Norman: ay, pucha.

angkas ulit ako kay sir Chris. baka ako sumakay, nag 50-50 na ko na magcocommute na ba ko kahit nakakahiya dun sa dalawang iiwan ko sila? o titiisin ko na lang kahit malayo  pa?sa totoo lang, pabigat na ko dun sa dalawa. hindi naman ako pwedeng umangkas kay sir Norman. sumasayaw na dalawang gulong nya. di na kaya bigat. sige bahala na. sakay ako. paglapat pa lang ng pwetan ko, tangena. hindi na kaya. tiis muna. pabalik pa lang sa highway. habang tumatakbo, isip ako ng isip kung ano gagawin ko. kahit anong pwesto ko,  masakit na. tsaka masakit din sa likod kasi hindi totally upright upo ko. naisip ko, malayo pa to. halos nagdedeliryo na ko. naalala ko yung pakiramdam nung tinatatuan ako sa ribcage. sa tagal kong tinitiis yung sakit, kung anu-ano na pumapasok sa isip ko. kung anu-ano na nakikita ko. baka makadamay pako. paglabas namin ng highway:

ako: sir, itabi mo nga saglit
sir Chris: pwede bang dun na sa sea oil?
ako: ay, magpapakarga ka ba?
sir Chris: oo
ako: sige

pagdating sa sea oil:

ako: sir, magcocommute nako. nahihirapan lang tayo pareho.
sir Chris: huh?sama-sama na tayo.
ako: dagdag bigat pako sa motor mo sir eh. tsaka diko na rin kaya. gusto ko na mahiga. ano sir Norman? malayo pa tayo.
sir Chris: eh san ka sasakay?
ako: dito lang, may dumadaan na dito.
sir Chris: o sige.
ako: mag-calamba na lang kayo, delikado sa tagaytay, malabo ilaw mo.
sir Chris: malayo pa iikutan sa calamba eh. tsaka nagtanong ako sa gasoline boy, malapit na daw yung pa-tagaytay.
ako: sige. kunin ko lang gamit ko.

paalis na sila.

sir Chris: ano, text-text na lang tayo?
sir Norman: ingat ka sir ha.
ako: kayo ingat din. next time, dun tayo sa pantay na kalye.
sir Chris: oo.
ako: tsaka next time, kung gasgas at sakit lang ng katawan habol natin, magsuntukan na lang tayo sa opis. madali pa umuwi.
sir Chris: oo, tama ka.

umalis na sila. gutom na ko. yosi. lakad konti. di na rin maikilo ng maayos and tuhod. yun, fried chicken! kakauhaw. yun, 7-11! ayos.

bus. lrt-beundia. kasi kukunin ko pa yung motor ko sa opis. tsaka andun susi ko sa bahay. bayad ako. kain. sa dagat, napagusapan namin yun sineng narnia. sabi ko, wala akong kahilig hilig sa mga ganong sine. may mga witch. ang sine sa bus. hansel and gretel: the WITCH hunters. taena, hanggang sa bus, malas.

sa dinami-dami ng kamalasang nangyari sakin /  samin ngayong araw, isa na lang kulang. maholdap ako. di na ko magtataka kung naholdap yung bus. baka di pa nya tapos sabihin yung spiel nila na "HOLDAP ITO!", baka iabot ko na lahat ng gamit ko at sabihing "sayo na to lahat tangina mo ka!!!" naghubad ako ng sapatos, kasi basa pati medyas ko. nagpalit ako ng tsinelas. natapos ang sine. nagpatugtog ang kundoktor. GIYOMI. nag lakas. hindi na siguro naadjust yung volume nung sine pa, nagsalang na ng audio disc.
pagod ako. di na ko nagreklamo. sunod na kanta GENTLEMAN. tangena. nakita ko sa display yung playlist. jonas brothers. lil wayne. pink. ONE DIRECTION. taena, kakapsok pa lang namin ng SLEX. siguradong bago ako bumaba, madadaanan yung mga track na yun. tumayo ako. nagising yung katabi ko. lumapit ako sa kundoktor.

ako: brad, pakihinaan naman, maraming nagpapahinga. salamat.

naisip ko, ayoko na magdrive ngayong gabi. baka madamay pa si vroom vroom ko sa malas na araw na to. diretso na ko bahay. dapat pala cubao na bus na nasakyan ko. buendia na. para. maraming bumaba. lingon daw sa kanan sabi ng kundoktor. sa kaliwa ako pumunta patawid.

signage: BAWAL TUMAWID. MAY NAMATAY NA DITO.
ako: tangina mo. (pabulong)

mag nakataling electrical wire pangharang, lumakdang ako. nakatingin sakin yung traffic officer.
ako: sige subukan mong hulihin ako, at baka mauna pako sayo sa presinto magpakulong ng kusa (pabulong)

di na rin siguro ako mabibigla kung nasagasaan man ako sa buendia. motor. jeep. trak. mabagsakan ng eroplano. meteor. kung may susundo lang sakin, papasundo na ko. wag lang si Sir Chris. haha. Sir Chris, no offense, i have nothing against you or your driving skills. walang problema sakin sumemplang tayo, normal sa motor yan, dalawa lang gulong eh. pero hindi na ulit ako aangkas sa motor mo mapasino man ang nagmamaneho. lalo kung papuntang Lobo. haha

sumakay akong jeep byaheng guadalupe. nagbayad ako bente. sukli syete. trese pamasahe. 13. siguro yung yung malas. pero hindi naman siguro, kasi huli na nagyari eh. anyway, naghihintay pa rin ako ng manghoholdap. wala. ok na rin. may sumakay sa ayala. chicks. katabi ng kaharap ko. mala-kris bernal. mas maganda pa nga, kasi hindi naman maganda si kris bernal. kaso ang dumi ng paa. ayoko sa maduming paa. di mo pa inaamoy, mabaho na. so malas pa rin. napapatingin sakin mga kasakay ko. muka siguro akong tanga. may dala akong helmet tsaka plastic bag. siguro dahil bawal ang plastic. o siguro dahil sa tagyawat ko sa ilong na mauuna nang pumutok sa taal volcano. o siguro dahil muka akong ginulpi. o siguro dahil sa SO CLEAN SO GOOD na tsinelas ko na ninakaw ni Van Helsing (hindi tunay na pangalan) sa sogo. libre ba yun?hindi ba pagamit lang yun? anyway, guadalupe. diretso ako sa mercury. bibiling gamot at gasa.

ako: isang betadine maliit lang.
sales lady: pangsugat sir?
gusto ko sanang sabihin: oo, hindi yung pampuki. muka ba kong nagfefeminine wash? (pero naiintindihan ko sya, ginagawa nya lang trabaho nya)
ako: oo. tsaka isang gasa, maliit lang din, yung rolyo. tsaka isang paper tape.

naglalakad pauwi. iika-ika.

bugaw sa LIONS777: dito ka na sir, show na. show na.
gusto ko sanang sabihin: masakit tuhod ko, hindi ako makakaibabaw. masakit tumbong ko hindi ako makakailalim. (pero naiintindihan ko sya, ginagawa nya lang trabaho nya)
ako: tangina ka (pabulong)

katok sa gate.
katok sa kwarto.

nagbukas.

(bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

20130720

FINISH LINE: ATOK-YO DRIFT

a decade of wondering whether i'd max out at 27. a number obsession. born in '86, 27 in '13. such perfect details. it became a number to achieve. a number to overcome. made no plans beyond that point. with thoughts of either success or failure, 28 was always blurry. oh look! i survived!

sumakay ng bus sa cauayan. nag-taxi sa cubao. jumingle sa makati. nagpa-gas sa malolos. nagbangka sa calumpit. nag-hotdog sa tarlac. nagpa-gas sa san manuel. natrapik sa kennon. naligaw sa baguio. nag-lunch sa hotel. bumiling panghilod sa sm. naghanap ng bar sa nevada. nakakita ng nagsusuntukan sa session road. nakatulog ng naka-medyas. nagpa-gas sa bonifacio st.. hinabol ng aso sa brgy. ambassador. bumangking sa halsema hi-way. at nagkape sa atok.

seventy four hundred feet above sea level. seventy four hundred feet away from the politics of my shitty life. seventy four hundred feet closer to escape.

if only my motorcycle has sufficient propulsion system given its weight plus mine and reach escape velocity (and not just 90+kph), oh, i'd go all the way up. oh well.

P.S. i need a bigger bike

20130531

first (d/h)ate



--...enough about me. tell me something about you. i wanna know you more. like the real you.

-me? ok. well. first of all, i just want you to know..i have memory problems. so don't expect me to remember your name tomorrow.

--what? are you serious?

-but not like that film with adam sandler and that chick from charlie's angels.

--you mean drew? barrymore?

-yea. yea. that chick. you don't have to worry about it that much.

--so it's not that severe? i..i don't understand.

-no. no. i mean you don't have to worry about making me fall in love with you every single day.

-- (?-?)

-because i will always fall in love with you at first sight.

--OK. haha. i thought you were serious. nice touch, though.

-hahaha. but seriously though, i have memory problems. i tend to forget things. it's like what i can only remember are the really good stuff..and the really bad stuff. regular things just rot away.

--ok. ok. noted. you're not gonna forget this place, are you?

-place? what place? when did we get here?

--hahaha. you're really funny. no seriously, you're really funny.

-thanks, i guess.

--oh i forgot to tell you. i'm a gamer.

-gamer? you mean phone game apps?

--yup! all of 'em. phone. pc. xbox. ps4. well, the old xbox, and now the new ps4.

-oh. i see. just a sec..

(walks out the front door)

-TAXI!!!

because darwin

i'm excited for the humanity to survive some million years more so our great great great great great great great great grandchildren, would see a detailed document on how more we would evolve. since we are inventing so many things that makes life easier for us, maybe our limbs would shorten and use robotic arms instead. our jaw and teeth may grow smaller and our food will ultimately be in liquid form or IV. our hearts may shrink since we don't use much cardio for walking or running anymore. our skull may grow bigger to house our much larger brain to accommodate all the information we would learn. we may be shorter as our heads become heavier. a woman's womb might not be as stretchable and our way of reproduction might be totally replaced with laboratory processes (on a need to basis) to control population. we may speak a universal language (which isn't english). the meaning of "life" and "happiness" might mean something else more "intellectual" rather than "emotional" and "spiritual". we don't know what's gonna happen. and we won't be able to ask the future humans. but still, it's worth wondering about. and yea, those artistic images of extraterrestrial beings we see in films? they're all plausible, depending on the environment where they come from. ANYTHING THAT CAN HAPPEN, MIGHT HAPPEN.

20150212-1926H

"i love you to the moon and back"

so you ride the saturn V rocket, escape earth's orbit, jettison from the rocket, position the module with respect to the moon's velocity, and sail a quarter million miles on the vacuum of space for three days between 4000 to 6000 kph. then you prepare for LOI, orbit the moon a couple of times, undock your lunar module from the command service module, and descent to the moon's surface. you step out for EVA, stick a flag or somethin', get back to the LM, fire your ascent engine, fly back to orbit, rendezvous with CSM, use the moon's gravity for a slingshot, and sail back to earth for three more days. brace yourself for the re-entry, release your chute, and splash down the pacific.

so a week. ok. how about to mars and back? that's at least 16 months.

train

-can i draw on your arm?

no.

-please?

ok, but you can't use your sharpie.

-but i wanna use my sharpie.

sharpies are really hard to clean off.

-that's exactly why i wanna use my sharpie.

you are really that bored, aren't you?

-yup.

ok.

--wow, that's amazing. how old is she?

-i'm five.

--really. can i take a picture of what you are doing?

-no.

--why? it's really lovely.

-because i have to let the copyright people see it first.

--oh,the copyright people. ok. sorry to barge in.

-oh whatever, you can take your picture.

--really? thank you.

-sure. i saw the design on a book anyway.

--hahaha.

--she's really something isn't she.

yea. she never ceased to amaze me.

--so are you just the dad? or are you also the mom?

i'm pretty much everybody for her.

--i see. is it too early to ask where the real mom is.

no, i don't mind. she's..well, she's somewhere far.

--oh.

yea. we have this contract not to see each other again. ever.

--oh. was the contract rightfully signed by your respective representing attorneys?

it was a pinky promise.

--oh, ok. hi i'm alex.

tom.

--where are you getting off?

last station.

--me too. you know what? i know a place just a block from the subway who's got this killer steak and great line of wines.

yea. maybe next time.

--it's next door to a playshop that serves chocolate fountain.

oh. ok. good good.

--yea?

i could use some wine right now.

--ok then. so..