countless times i got what i thought i've always wanted and turned out it isn't that great. some i even waited for decades. the endless disappointment. there's this part of the process where the wanting stays at the peak for so long and then plummets down to below zero once i get it. a thing, a feeling, a person. the pure ecstasy of the chase and the waiting game. the sheer excitement with close encounters. then the sudden disappointment of the having. not so much that i seem to appreciate anything or anyone i possess. which throughout these years slowly sent me to an island of myself. a giant transparent enveloping bubble. makes me feel untouchable, but nevertheless very much vulnerable. engulfed by the rhetoric blabbers that comprises most of the voices in my head that runs 24x7. the false belief of grandiose entitlement. and the ever contradicting self by-laws. my system is broken. it does not work anymore. or maybe it never did.
